The Results

So I received the speed dating results. And straight off i can say I got 3 Ys! Woohooo some people like me in 3 mins. lol. What's interesting was who they were from, and the other results compared to what I put.

So here are their results compared to mine.

	On my Scorecard	On their Scorecard
No 1	F	F
No 2	N	F
No 3	Y	N
No 4	F	F
No 5	N	N
No 6	F	F
No 7	F	Y
No 8	N	0
No 9	F	Y
No 10		0
No 11	F	F
No 12	F	F
No 13	F	0
No 14	F	0
No 15	F	Y
No 16	F	F
No 17	Y	F

No matches with Ys unfortunately. Still very interesting, if you compare to what my initial thoughts on each girl were. So the one that stands out is the girl I put Y and she gave me a N. First off, WTF?! LOL! How could we both think so differently. It's just amazing how different opinions on encounters with other people can be. I thought we had gotten along, she laughed, I laughed, I thought there was a connection of some sort. I obviously read the signs wrong. lol.

I should mention something that happened with girl 3, is that she did interrupt my chat with Girl 4 to confirm my number, as she had filled her form apparently incorrectly. To understand, the guys are moving to each girl in chronological order the girls are seeing guys in reverse number order. So at the start I suppose it can be quite confusing, it's already fast paced as it is.

Plus knowing the guy in front of me was pretty much hated by all the girls. So she may have put the wrong thing for me, however.....it could also mean she wanted to make sure she put a N for me. So take it how you want. I'm taking the N as a confirmation, as for me, it's just quite funny how much different an encounter two people can see it. There's a chance I may see her again, even though I don't have her contact details. It depends on whether my friend invites her out to our nights out. If so, I won't confront her directly, unless she mentions it.

I can easily joke about it, diffuse any awkwardness. So if I read it all wrong, I'm thinking it maybe because she is just not looking for my type of person. Maybe due to my looks, type of personality or what have you, which is absolutely fine. 

I honestly didn't think girl 7 would put a Y for me, especially as I mentioned I didn't listen to half of what she said at one point. lol. Still I suppose I did feel we got along, with me being my usual jokey self. 

I knew Girl 9 would give me a Y, as for one thing we did spend the most time together, and she was very easy to chat to.

I'm also a bit surprised by Girl 15, the doctor! Blimey! It really does show the contrasts with what I had with Girl 3. I didn't think anything of it, she must of fancied me or something, I only made a few jokes. Sometimes you just shouldn't try too hard I guess, which I think is maybe what I did with girl 3.

And finally Girl 17, who I gave a Y  and she gave me a F. which I don't know what it means. lol. Again may she didn't see me in that light. 

So I do have the contact details for girls that were matched with a least a Y & F. And now I'm undecided as to who to contact. I have resorted to blog about it to give myself some perspective. (Incidentally we were allowed to leave early for work today, it's Easter weekend!!)

In theory I should contact girl 17, but I'm not sure. Should I contact all the ones with Y&F's together, I'm not the type to be a player. So I'm a bit confused as to what to do. The favourites I have to say are girl 7 and 17. Sigh.... I will make a step at some point, which choice I make could be life defining.

Speed Dating

I've come back from Hong Kong, and have been quite busy. To quickly get to the main point, a quick update on things.

So in Hong Kong I collected my $6k, opened up a new bank account, renewed my 3 year mandatory visit and some much needed time off. My last real holiday was to Venice with my ex a good two years ago, so it's felt good to not work. But now back in the UK in this crazy cold weather. Can't believe there's snow in March, and from the sounds of it the freezing temperatures will continue into April. Boooo......

So what the bulk of this entry will be about is that I went Speed Dating on Monday. Normally I would shun these opportunities, because I never really liked the way you are in a forced environment to meet other single people. But the concept felt interesting enough to try it out. It's like the trendy thing to do, and I was curious to see how it works.

I did need a push though, but all that was required was for my housemate to ask me to go. I didn't really need any more persausion. Who incidentally has settled into my spare room now. The cats are amazing and soo cute, and funny. I have fallen in love with them. However they seemed scared of me after I came back from HK so hopefully they'll warm to me again. I will most likely blog about them at some point.

So lets get into the nitty gritty of what happened. Overall speed dating was quite exhausting, and difficult to remember exactly what I talked about during the 3 mins with each girl. But I will try and summarise everything from the top of my head.

I believe some speed dating events differ slightly depending on the organisers. So you spend 3 mins with each girl, the organiser will blow a whistle to signal the end of the 3 mins and the guys have to move to the next girl. You're given a form to fill in as you go, and you write N for No, F for Friend, Y for Yes you are interested, and a section for your own comments if need be. You then have to give the form back at the end.

I was given a tip to take a picture of the form before giving it back. So that's what I did, because how else are you going to remember names. The organisers will send an email out to confirm who you've matched with.

The setup was not how I anticipated though. As I've seen in movies and tv shows that there are desks laid out one by one as you take turns. This was located in a bar, with booths seperating the people, however the booths were shared between 2 girls, so you can see the other couple talking as well.

So here is my run down on what I thought of the girls. It was a bit of a blur for some of them , but i'll do my best.

Girl 1: NHS, older. No one else asked about age, she was the only girl to and when I told her how old I was she said she felt old. So obviously she's older than me, with me being 29. F

Girl 2: In finance, for some reason felt awkward. I think becuase it was the start and everyone was trying to get in the swing of things. I think she mentioned she has been before.  N

Girl 3: Bubbly, seemed fun 3 mins went quick, which was a good sign. She had this thing about putting smiley faces for her own form. Then got started talking about each other before it was all over. So would like to see if i can continue our rapport. Funnily enough because she sat next to my friend and they got along. I may see her again regardless of what we picked, in future night outs. Y

Girl 4: As mentioned the next girl I already knew, so had a quick catchup and made a few jokes. It was really only my second time I've met her. So I am sort of trying to get to know her still. She's easy to talk to, but I don't know, there's something missing I feel. I know I'll see her again, so I can play it relatively cool with her. She seems like she wants to talk to me, but I'm not giving anything away. She is attractive, but I there's just no spark. F

Girl 5: Next girl is from China, and was difficult to talk to. I didn't find her that attractive, and with Language issue, I'm afraid I put a N for her.

Girl 6: Tall PR girl, fun. She ended up talking alot about her PR job. so it was quite hard to guage exactly what she is like. I only gave her an F, as I was a bit unsure and she is quite tall.

Girl 7: I had a mini chat with her before the event started, so we sorta carried on where we left off, easy to talk to. I'm ashamed to admit that I drifted off when she was talking about her position in IT, because I can see the next guy in front struggling with the girl in front. So hopefully she didn't see that I wasn't paying attention, but I think I recovered. :p F

Girl 8: So yes after seeing what happeend, I was a bit weary of this girl. And straight off I can see why. She was mainland china, and although her english was good, her answers were short, and was difficult to make way for a good conversation, I did try tho. In hindsight now, i think I may have been overly harsh. I maybe should have put an F. As i think she was trying to engage with me. Also the guy in front of me isn't the best candidate in the world, which did me some favours I suppose. So an N

Girl 9: Essex girl, seemed fun, easy to chat to. We got a bit lucky, because she was the last one before the break, so I sat to chat abit longer. As well as going back to her after the break which unfortunately caused me to skip the next one. I gave her an F, I'm thinking she may have put Y for me, but unfortunately I do not find her attractive, I know I'm horrible and shallow....

Girl 10: Skipped accidently. went to see her and a quick chat in the end, but she looked tired and disappointed it seemed. Would have been a N if I could have filled in the form.

Girl 11: Was warned by my friend about this next girl that she may be tired, and won't engage with you. She did look it but it seemed like she tried. And we did chat F

Girl 12: My Housemate, just chatted about how our nights were going. This was when I knew the guy in front was a bit sleazy and the other guys were not so great either. Which gives me a bit of confidence, but also felt abit bad for the girls. F

Girl 13: Singapore girl, conversation wasn't really flowing, she looked tired too. We tried to engage again and just chatted generally. I'm abit unsure how it went, but she was quite pretty. Rather than a typical Y just because she is prety, I gave her an F cos I don't think there was a click.

Girl 14: Hong kong girl, didn't look interested, or very enthusiastic. I remember not filling the form in for quite some time and as I filled it near the end I wasn't sure so I gave her an F, which is safe, but in hindsight probably should have been a N.

Girl 15: Doctor, talked about Kent, chat was flowing I think. She was definitely engaging, when it was me that was struggling. I got to the point where I ran out of things to say differently and I didn't want to to repeat myself, so I may not have come across very well with her. She definitely seemed older. Gave her an F

Girl 16: The extra sheet lady. Seemed fun and chatty, but also she was old, unfortunately the least attractive person there. I reckon she may have gotten a few Ns, but I felt like being nice and gave her an F, because honestly she seemed like she has a good personality.

Girl 17: The artist, she was a lot of fun, attractive, chatty and we seemed to get along. Again we got lucky because it was the final round so we talked a bit more even though it was over. I actually regret leaving her to chat to the girl I skipped. And she was the one I didn't write a name for on my sheet, before I took the photo, so I've forgotten her name.... plus I'm now thinking she may be too young as she is still studying... I still gave her a Y

So overall two Ys and 3 Ns officially. The rest Fs.

In hindsight, maybe I should have given some more Ns, as well as turning some of the Ns into Fs. It was hard to make quick snap decision sometimes... maybe I'm too nice.. I'm assuming most people just put down Fs anyway. It's a bit of a scapegoat, but it's the safest choice. 3 mins is not long to make a good judgement, but I suppose that part of the fun I guess.

I feel a bit confident knowing the calibre of the guys that were with me were not so great. I mean I know I'm not unattractive, I can make a joke, I can talk to girls with out blowing my balls. So I feel like I'm in good stead. I do feel bad for some of the girls, hopefully they met someone they felt had a connection.

So that was my experience. I mean it was a good experience, and I did have fun, but there's something demoralising out of it as well. You need to have a bit of a thick skin and able to take rejection well, because you will be rejected no doubt about it. You will not get along with everyone, but I suppose if you find someone it's all worth.

So we shall see once I get the feedback, and if it doesn't work out with any of them, then it's no problem. I probably wouldn't do it again in a hurry, I'll give it half a year probably.

Year of the Snake

Well again lots have happened since my last entry. I've been so busy there hasn't been a time to reflect and write any entries. First off, happy chinese new year! Gung Hay Fat Choi! I wish everyone a great year of prosperity with good health, wealth and love.

Now to update, the biggest thing was that I was made redundant in November, but thankfully I found another job quite quickly and started in December. The job is so much more busier than my previous jobs. I’ve had many late evenings at work. It’s only now I have a bit of a breather, it’s a bit weird not having that much to do at work now. It’s been a constant ride of work where now having little to do feels weird now. It’s probably a combination of it being in a quiet period, and I’ve become more efficient at what I’m doing.

One thing I like about the job other than that it is busy, are my colleagues. They are far more talkative that my previous colleagues, and I can have a laugh and banter with them. The environment is so much better than my previous workplace, where no-one talked at all. Quite happy where I have ended up. I just hope this company last a lot longer in this difficult economic environment. We have a parent company that is very rich in resources, and the company has already gone through a purging of costs and redundancies. So I hope I’ve come at a good time of recovery for them.

My house is coming along too, I had my house warming evening, on New Year’s Eve which went down really well. I had someone take my spare room but has left already. He came at a good time when I was not working and had to get someone quick to help me with paying my mortgage. So the income was much needed and really it was not necessary in the end as I found work quickly, and the fact the redundancy money came through as well. So I’ve bought more furniture, bought a WiiU,( which I’m mainly using to watch youtube), paid for flights to Hong Kong for myself and my mum. So I’m doing ok.

The spare room is not going to be left empty long as I’ll have a friend take it at the end of the month. Which was a cause of controversy amongst my friends, because she is an ex of one of my friends. People saying it may be awkward. Well I never thought of it like that until other people mentioned it, but I did talk to my mate and asked if it was cool for her to take my spare room, and he said it was. So all is ok. I mean she did asked me about my spare room before when I had someone already, so when he left. I contacted her and asked her if she wanted the room now. So it wasn’t as though I seeked her out.

The addition is that she owns 2 cats. Even though they split up she could part with the cats so she had to take them both with her. Hopefully the 2 cats will be fine in my house. I have resigned the fact that the sofa will get destroyed, but luckily the sofa was given to me, so no expense lost. And I probably won’t replace the sofa any time soon. My bedroom will have to stay closed just in case, but she says they’re house trained and well looked after. She ultimately takes responsibility for them, but I’ll help out when I can. And it’ll be cool to have cats around the house to be honest. I’ve never had a proper pet in my life so it will be cool to be entertained by cats being cute and all.

So this is will be it for the mini update. I’ll be off home for the weekend to have my chinese new year meal with my family. Most people had theirs last weekend, and I really should have had it last weekend, but my sister was still in Malaysia so we had to time it for her return. Incidentally she is engaged now! My big sis is finally getting married. More things to talk about in future entries if I can find the time and effort to write.

Eternal Sunshine

Lack of entries in this blog again due to being busy. I did actually start many blog entries, but I've not finished them and by the time I get back to it, I feel like it's too old and I've progressed to something else.

One thing to announce is I've moved in. Horray! I've moved in for about a month now and i love it. It's not the largest of houses, but it's mine, mine, mine, mine! :D There are endless amounts of tasks to do on the place, which suits me fine. Painting is mostly done, still a few furniture to get. Just last weekend I built my tv stand, and I'm very proud of it, even though I didn't have the screw driver to fix a particular connection. So I'm quite settled in now, and will try to get someone in to rent the spare room. Although I like being on my own and having the whole place to myself, it's better to have the extra income.

I have Fibre Optic broadband! Hello 69mb! Full 1080p HD movies are downloaded in half an hour now. Love it! Therefore I've been testing out my new LED HDTV, just yesterday I watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which is what the bulk of this entry will be about. Now I've not watched that film for quite some time, and I couldn't really relate to the protagonists the first time round. Rewatching it now it struck more of a chord.

I won't explain the whole movie, but it's about erasing your memory. Specifically memories of an ex. Imagine having the option to be able to erase parts of your memory. It's an interesting concept and allows to provide a poignant film. It was artistically shot, had a fantastic script and very well acted by Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet and the rest of the supporting cast. The main journey of the film was going through Joel's (Jim carrey) process in erasing all his memories of his ex Clementine (Kate Winslet).

He lives the memories one last time before they get erased, and we get to experience and learn how their relationship ended to how it started. We understand why they didn't work out, but we got glimpses of how it worked and why they loved each other. As he lives through each memory again, he realises it was the wrong decision in erasing his memories of her, because he still likes some of them, he wants to cherish the positive moments. So he tries to fight the process of his memories being erased.

The way they showed the memories of couple's arguing, experiencing their good and bad moments was very realistic and relate-able now.  Joel is a boring, nice, sensible type, Kate was the fun, impulsive, out going type. In a sense they are polar opposites yet seemingly fit very well with each other. So as I watched the film, all the good and bad moments in my past relationships came back. What made it more strange to me was how Clementine's character was similar to my last ex. They both have self esteem issues, maybe signs of a bipolar or a personality disorder. Either case it can be a difficult relationship to work with, which is what happened with both in their story and in mine.

****Spoilers**** for the next few paragraphs you have been warned

After both their memories have been erased they managed to meet each other again, and they rekindled their relationship again, knowing that it failed in the past. That's where the film ends. Whether it fails again or not we do not know. It's left to our interpretation. I like to think that they learnt from their mistakes and have a better relationship this time round, but something tells me they revisit all the bad stuff again and will continue the cycle of erasing their memories of each other and finding each other again. So in a sense they will be with each other forever but in a constant cycle. They do get to experience the best parts of the relationship which is discovering each other for the first time every time.

****Ends Spoilers****

It was a positive film for me though, because there is hope at the end. The message of cherishing your most positive memories of each other. Keeping your memories whether good or bad is what determines how you are today. Realise where you did right or gone wrong, is character building.

In terms of me in finding a new relationship. I am ready to move on, I just need to get myself out there. I went out for the first time in ages on Friday and met a girl, but even though she has a boyfriend, I teased and flirted, and got a bit of feedback. Obviously I didn't pursue, but it was nice to experience and get the attention I needed to know I still have value. The problem is getting myself out there, I'm in no rush.

Free Time!

It's been a while, but I am back. Still busy, but found a quiet time at work, with not much to do being Friday and all, I thought I'd update my blog.

First off I'll talk about my exam. I took a week off work and I went to a local library every day to study. This was much needed, because I can get distracted very easily if I stayed at home to study. Luckily for me a new library just opened up quite recently in my area. It've witness the building take shape in the months that it had taken to be built. So it was the first time to enter the building and experience a new library. To say the least it's a not a conventional looking building as you can see in the picture above. It's definitely style over substance.

The interior is overly extravagant, with a lot of empty space. There is a looping staircase that goes to the first floor, that takes up a large amount of space. I think it looks cool, but in doing so, there becomes a less space for potentially more important things. Because of this it means that there is a lower capacity for room to study.  Luckilly again I'm an early bird and I can find a seat easily around 9am/10am, but within the hour there will be no more seats left. Granted this is probably the peak time for people as there are exams for everyone coming up not just me. The library gets worse when school kids come in as well around 2pm. I had got up for one moment and my seat was stolen! I believe the staff told a lot of the kids off in doing so. Another chair was found for me anyway, but it was annoying.

Regardless it allowed me to study better and when it came to the exam, I believe it overall went well. I will find out the results in September, until then I am free!

In terms of the house situation. I'm now waiting on a set date to complete! As I've handied over signed contracts and pass over 10% of the deposit! I can not wait to move now! The process has been soo long, I'm thankful that the wait is nearly over. It's still touch and go, because my flatmate will be moving out too at the end of this month and I really need to move out before her, otherwise it could get a bit complicated. We are both using the same solicitor so he is aware of the siutation and is confident for me, which provides me some relief.

In my freetime, I've been playing tons of Diablo 3, watching the Euros and have actually done a bit of running for once. I swear I need to go for a run more often. I rarely do any exercise. Granted I'm not exactly fat, in fact most people will tell me to put on weight. I still want to be fitter. Being single and all again I feel need to shape up to be more attractive, and feel more confident about myself. I'll do more once I've moved, probably setup a mini gym in the garage for myself.

Busy

Lack of entries lately, because I've been busy with Diablo 3, house stuff and having to try to study for my exam next week. :'( Wish me luck!

Common Harrassment?

Reddit never fails to deliver in providing good material to write and talk about. I've got a few entries drafted up already on topics I'd like to share. First this one in particular, is a post about one women's experience in dealing with men.

One extract I'd like to share I've copied and pasted, but it's all there for you to read.

Blehhhhhh Writes:

'Sit back - this is gonna be long.

You have to understand - this isn't just mindless fear coming from nowhere. This isn't media-driven. This fear comes from a million interactions with men over a lifetime - men who go too far and feel that it's ok to touch/grope and otherwise threaten you (and of course, rape, at the far end of the spectrum).

This starts early - bra snapping, for instance. I'm not saying it's sexual assault for a young guy to snap a young girl's bra, but it's intrusive, unwanted, humiliating and painful. Somehow, these boys think it's ok or even funny to do this. It's objectifying and implies that these boys think a girl's body/underwear are his to do with as he pleases.

I remember in 8th grade Flashdance was a huge movie (yes, I'm old). I was wearing - as a lot of girls were - a sweatshirt that was cut out at the neck, so one shoulder was exposed (like the lead character in the movie). I didn't think anything of how I looked, I just wanted to wear a Flashdancesweatshirt. That day, a boy I had never spoken to sneered at me and said "You're just wearing that so everyone looks at your boobs." He was angry. I have never been so humiliated before or since. I was 12 and I had no concept that someone might be looking at my breasts, or that someone would wear a shirt just to make that happen.

The thing that burned that interaction on my brain though, and makes it a propos, was his anger about it. Like I was trying to fuck with him. It's the same anger that comes through loud and clear when some guy yells "Hey, nice tits."

In Jr. high/high school we all start to learn about the unexpected grope. About the guy who slips his hand on your chair so you sit on it, then laughs with all his friends. About the hard pinch on your ass in the hallway, or the straight up grab both your breasts move. Again, mocking, angry laughter with the guy's friends usually accompanies these things.

Are you starting to get the picture?

High school is usually also when men (often much older men) start to drive very slowly next to us, trying to "talk" to us and get us in the car.

There are so many many more examples. Guys grinding on you in the club. Guys jerking off next to you on the bus, guys cornering you on the street. Guys and their friends forming a circle around you and you barely escape.

Here's another good one from my own memory banks. I was a senior in high school and went to a college party with a friend. We were both gothy girls and my friend called herself a "witch." One of the guys at the party asked her about the pentagram she was wearing, she told him she was a witch, and he started to get really belligerent. His friends joined in, taunting us both and saying we were devil worshipers. Then shit got scary - he and his friend picked up pool cues and said they were going to shove them so far up us they'd get the devil out. They tried to grab us, we shoved past them and ran.

Are you starting to understand why strange men talking to you on the street is so threatening?

I've had guys follow me home from work. There was one guy who lived at a halfway house at the end of my block who used to wait for me to get off the bus so he could leer at me and say all sorts of disgusting shit.

Thankfully, most of this has stopped now that I'm a mom and middle aged - that makes me pretty much invisible to men (it's actually kind of funny how invisible I am now!) But -- as recently as 2 years ago when I was 7 months pregnant there were guys who would yell shit at me.

Oh, and I'm just an average-looking woman.

All this to say - there's a long history for most women of harassment, straight up assault, possibly rape that has us all in a constant state of alert. So, keep that in mind if you want to meet a girl you see on the street.

Don't act threatening. Don't follow her. If she seems freaked out, stop trying to talk to her. Your best bet is NOT to compliment her on her appearance. Strike up a conversation about something else. Say something funny. Talk about the weather. Comment on what's in her shopping cart. ANYTHING but her appearance (that includes asking about tattoos, piercings, etc). That's just a giant red flag. And then, if she seems friendly, keep talking for a bit - like a friendly person, not someone who wants to get laid. And then - give her your number and ask if she'd like to get coffee sometime.

There is NO REASON for a man to talk to a woman about her appearance if he doesn't know her. It's intrusive, even if it's just "you look nice today." Why can't you just think that, and keep it to yourself? Why do you feel the need to make her know that you think she's attractive? That's all about your wants and your needs and nothing at all to do with her.

So again I say, if you want to talk to a woman you've never met, talk about anything else but what she looks like.'

Wow!

It really shows the difference between men and women, at least how we are quite oblivious to it all. It's very unfortunate that she or any girl has to go through these types of experiences. Me being a man, even though I've had my butt being pinched in a club, I will never ever know what it's really like. I will admit I perve at women, I've been to stag dos, gone to strip clubs, partaken in lap dances etc. However, I have never gone up to stangers and said crude remarks about their bodies, and definitely not touched. If I notice a rather attractive lady, honestly I'll perve a little, but subtly, keep the thoughts to myself and that would be the end of it.

'American Girl in Italy' by Ruth Orkin

I know the male macho attitude in a group dynamic. There's an alpha male circle jerking, acting cool type attitude at times. I have laughed at my fair share of sexist remarks and comments from my friends, as much as I have laughed at many non-pc, bad taste and borderline racist jokes. We talk among ourselves and checking girls out, and objectifying them. Hell! I'd have lost a lot of 'man-points' just by writing this entry. I don't care. I'm sure it happens the other way round, but the difference is that girls get it a lot more frequently and in public too. To have that continue through out your life to be constantly perved at, touched and creeped out on......... No wonder girls will have a low opinion of the opposite sex, especially strangers.

The stories on that thread are interesting, because being a male I've no idea of how often these things occur. I feel like there needs to be some form of education with regards to the differences between men and women. We will never solve our differences without acknowledging/providing open discussions on experience we go through. Even if a guy with good intentions, goes up to women to honestly tell them they look nice,  it may not come off as how the guy intended. From a comment in the thread:

shakingpaper writes
'Why does that guy feel the need to say that I'm pretty? Should I keep my guard up now? Is that really all I have to offer--my looks? Why did he have to single me out? Now I feel embarrassed, I wish men would leave me alone....etc.'

smilesoup writes
'This is also exactly what runs through my head. Apprehension, nervousness, embarrassment, and potentially fear.'


I suppose some girls can appreciate the nicer comments said in the best intentions. However at least there is context in understanding why some girls have this fear/anxiety over strangers. Regardless if you're giving someone a compliment.


I mean we see strangers every day of our lives, we know nothing about them. The only thing we can judge is the appearance and how they look. If they show certain parts of their bodies in public, then men will naturally look. It's a survival reproductive instinct in our bodies if you will, it's natural. The difference however, is in controlling yourself and not be a jerk.  Rule of thumb is never disturb a stranger, unless it's an emergency. Personally I don't know why individual guys do it.

Just for the thrill? Maybe they are sad and lonely and this is the only way they are able to make contact with a beautiful woman. Maybe some are jealous of their looks, because they know that they could never be with someone that attractive they end up hating them and resenting them. Some may do it out of immaturity. Some thinks the world revolves around and only conceave women as only an object in their eyes. Some may do it to get a rise out of the person. Lots and lots of reasons... I swear I don't envy you girls. I feel like men have it much simpler. Constantly nervous and in potential fear, just from your looks, sounds like a horrible way to live.

Now knowing all this, it's probably going to make me more aware than I am already. This only reinforces my attitude to forced encounters. Can I ever pay a compliment to a complete stranger for a one time thing? I certainly think it's rather difficult to make definite contact with a girl with this method. In the end I don't think I would anyway. I'm far too passive to do that. So a smile and a hi is all you're going to get girls, unless something completely blows my mind and I just have to say it, and I'm not listening to my music. :p

I remember once, I noticed a girls cutest most slender hands, holding a bar whilst standing on a train. Never in my mind would I thought I'd give her a compliment, it's just something I noticed and kept to myself. Thinking back it would definitely freak her out, and probably make her all subconscious about it.I suppose all girls will treat each harassments/encounters differently, the fact that it happens all the time is worrying and unsettling. Makes me wonder how you girls walk out of the door sometimes.

If you're a guy and you want to meet a girl on the street or in a random public place this is something need to learn and be aware of. They have no idea who you are, you're stepping into their private space, so they're naturally going to be defensive to a random stranger. You'd need a lot of things going for you for it to even work. The setting has to be right, and the ice to be broken and that they have established that you're safe and not a creep.

This all sort of steps into that debate on girls dressing sensibly and responsibly. Yet it's such a shame, because you should be able to dress how you like and not be perceived a sexual objects. Yet it happens time and time again. It seems you girls just learn to deal with it, cope as best as you're able to, and now we've come to terms that this is 'normal' for this to happen, but it shouldn't be really it's the guys that need to stop it.

My advice is to learn to be safe girls and try to educate your fellow men.

My Meaning of Life.

We've all pondered it, we're all seeking the answers. This will be probably be a long entry to the point of a mini essay... lol. It probably won't make a whole lot of sense, but I'll try. :p

I get moments in my life where I stop and think... why am I the one controlling this body, why am I living this persons life till the end, what does it all mean?  I am controlling my thoughts and actions and writing this, you whoever is reading this, is controlling that body and is reading this blog. Have you ever had that sense of out of body perspective. I get the same feeling sometimes when I stop and look at people when I travel to and from work and wonder the many lives being controlled, all in their own world, trying to survive and getting through life.

The earliest enlightened moment of this was when I was probably around 5/6 years old. I was sitting on the floor with all the other children and listening to our teacher tell a story. I remember this because I was thinking about my situation that I'm just sitting here listening to this person talking and i was just thinking just how and why? It was a short moment of pondering, I was young and I didn't really know what I was thinking/seeing at the time so it passed and I carried on with my life. Yet I still remember that feeling, that first moment.

So the ultimate question... how was life created and the reason as to why we're all here? How are there so many living creatures all individually controlled, located in this one place called Earth?

I know through what I've learnt that I was created through a biological miracle via my father and mother. And yet at some point in that process, the growth and control of this body suddenly happened. There was a point where suddenly I became self aware. Is there such a thing as a soul? Was there an all mighty power who decides and creates souls inside new born babies? Animals, plants, Humans, all things living? The use of these bodies as a vessal before moving on to a greater meaning? Or simply our brain growing more developed, and we're a bunch of chemicals allowing intelligent thought processes? I believe we are so insignificant and significant at the same time.

I believe I am significant because I'm controlling this body, and it is in my interest to survive and make something happen through this male human life. It's all I can do, so it's very significant to me. We are all selfish to a degree for survival. Yet still I believe I'm insignificant, because I'm actually not even a tiny speck in the giant multiverse that we live in. When I look in to space I realised that we are nothing compared to the infinite space that is out there.

Arthur C. Clarke provides a great quote: 'Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.' And he is right! Which is more terrifying to you?

To me it would be more frightening that we are alone, because if this is all the life that is left, then we must cherish it and continue fighting for life and survival against all the odds. I would love to know that we are not alone, because it could provide more questions but also answers than regardless how dangerous it could possibly be.

We have sought to religion and science to find an answer, and yet both may or may not be the answer. At least either can provide some meaning to your life. Religions have been around the longest and arguably can provide the most meaning as upposed to science who are still seeking an answer. Neither is right or wrong, but in my opinion the best advice I can give to anyone is, to be able to admit that there is a possibility that whatever you believe in could be wrong. What I love about Scientists,  are that they are always trying to prove each other wrong. All established theories we know and love today, are still trying to be proved wrong. We have whittled down to a few theories that are acceptable, yet it's still not absolute correct. This is what differs to me between science and religion. For human progression and evolution, we need to continue to be seeking answers, rather than stopping and believing in something written in an old book to be absolute correct.

There could be many future breakthroughs in discoveries and yet people still cling on to a belief that they may have been born into. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to offend religion. I believe a religion can provide a decent way of life. It gives people's lives absolute meaning, who wouldn't want that. If everyone conformed to one outlook, a set of rules to live our lives, the better we all can be in getting along and living with one another. The problem is unfortunately that there are too many different of opinions and certain individuals have taken certain religions to extreme levels for individual gain.

Satirical books by Terry Pratchett known for his fantasy Discworld novels, provides a different perspective on life and death, often with humour. When someone dies in his novels, Death comes along with his scythe and cuts the cord that keeps the soul and the body together. The character that has just died often remarks on 'what happens now?'. Death's response in nonplussed, then what actually happens next, is that whatever the character believes in will happen.

For example, warriors who believed when they die in a battlefield in honour, they would be taken away to their heaven on horseback by big bussomed ladies, which is exactly what happens to them. Others who believe they will reincarnate, will do just that. Those who believe in simply vanishing and not existing anymore, that's what happens to them. Of course the uniform belief that an all powerful Death takes you away is not the point, but the belief of what happens to you after death is interesting.

This is so meaningful for anyone, because in life we can never prove or know what will happen after death, but if you provide meaning in death, before you die, you can provide meaning in life as well. Especially at the moment of death, you try to take comfort and seek solace by providing your life meaning. When struck with grief from a death of a loved on, certain beliefs can provide us peace of mind. 'They have moved on to a better place'. Therefore whatever we believe in is our choice.

Those terrorist bombers who believe in their heaven with so many virgins, is considered insane and mad to us, but it's right to them. It's a matter of choice and perspective, how we consider what are lives mean and in death.

We can still question our choices, question our faith. A lot of things happen in our lives that is out of our control and we blame it on something, we question faith, luck, high power, fate. This is another factor that is impossible to prove and answer for. The world is chaotic, full of timings, chance, probability, a constant clash of atoms and chemicals. We sometimes create an illusion that something else is part of our lives, something greater, something more important, a higher power controlling the uncontrollable. It could be wishful thinking, or it could in fact be a reality no-one knows. What we do know if what is in front of us, what is in front of me.

The whole situation and circumstance that we are all living in this small world together is mind boggling and I do not have an answer as to how and why. I may never fully understand it all in my life time. However I will continue to ask questions and will make my own judgements and find different perspectives before I make that choice. 

Phew.....I could go into much more depth and detail into the points I made, but I'm not going to write a book. There's so much out there. All I can do is to live this life to the best that I'm capable of. And everyone should live their lives to the best that they're capable of. Seek the things you like, seek the things that make you happy, create the answers yourself. For all we know there is only one life, we might as well try and enjoy it.

Sports Drama

Not much to update, so I'd skip this entry if you're not into Sports, follow football, or play starcraft 2.

Football

Anyway, an awesome last day for football in the Premier League! I watched the QPR vs Man City, and the scenes at the end were unbelievable. What an incredible rollercoaster ride for Man City fans, and fantastic drama for neutrals like me watching. Hollywood could not have come up with a better script. Within a space of 5 minutes at the end of the game, Man city was on the verge of losing the championship, but then to scored 2 goals in quick succession to win was amazing. Let's hope the next season will be just as exhilarating!

I support Tottenham Hotspurs, and we came forth in the league, which means for now we are qualified to the Champions League! Woohoo! But it could be taken away if Chelsea wins the finals... Boooooo!. Therefore it's no surprise that I'll be supporting Bayern Munich in the final. :p

In fact lots to watch this weekend coming. Championship play off finals, Champions League finals, MLG Spring Arena Starcraft 2 tournament, GSL Finals. I don't know what's up with the 19th of May, but it seems to be the best day for tournaments to be scheduled!

Gaming

Speaking of starcraft 2, i've actually been playing alot more recently, with my friends in team games and 1v1 ladder. In the team games we're actually doing ok against the players that we have been up against. There have been times we have hit a wall and do not know what to do. My friends love to play very early aggression, which means that our mid/final game can suffer. Still loads of fun.

For the 1v1s I just played enough to get my 10 wins so I can get the new portrait on my profile. So I'm pleased with that. I seem to play very well against other Zerg players, but suffer against other Protoss players. I keep losing to 4 gates, which is actually very obvious that it's coming, just that my build collapses when I play.

I'm wondering why it is so stressful playing 1v1s, I don't know why I don't just play and not care about losing. There is actually a known condition amongst the SC2 community and have labelled it ladder anxiety. People are actually scared to hit the find match button! It's weird, cause I find it can be difficult too. It's normally a 'Fuck it, let's just do it' sort of attitude that ends up getting me going. And once the countdown starts there's no going back. It's partly because it's hard. It's very challenging, and watching VODs and streams is so much more relaxing than playing it. :p

Source: http://fuckyeahstarcraft.tumblr.com

As amongst my friends we've only recently gotten heavily into SC2, and one friend in particular mentioned that he has lost all his 1v1 games so far. But when he looks back on the replay he notices that he could have stayed in the game and win. It's a crazy feeling that is quite underappreciated compared to watching vs actually playing. When you're watching you get to see everything and know exactly what each player is doing. Compared to playing you're in the dark mostly unless you scout heavily. When you have large engagements and trading armies and lost most of your units, you feel as though you've lost, when in fact you're doing ok and just trading. I had quite an epic game before against a protoss, but in the end I left because I couldn't muster the strength to continue, when I could have tried.

I criticise professional players that leave games early, but there I am doing it too. You develop certain game sense that you feel that once it gets to the situation you know it's difficult to come back into the game, you collapse and give in. I'll try not to quit so early in the next games I played. Sometimes you just know though that it's over.

Incidentaly in regards to gaming Diablo 3 has just been released. And currently many people are trying to log in but can't because the servers are full. Craziness! Gaming has gotten extremely popular in the past decade it's incredible. I will probably buy the game at a later date, considering I have exams soon and that there are errors, bugs and over populution. I'd rather wait for all of that to be sorted out first, so my gaming experience will be more enjoyable.

Wow... I wrote more that I anticipated. I guess I'm quite passionate about Starcraft 2 at the moment. Loads of fun!

Secrets

Double Entry Day, just because I found something cool and wanted to share it! :p Frank Warren did an Ask Me Anything thread on reddit and it provided me awareness of his site. It's a community art project where he gets sent secrets in postcard art format anonymously, and he then reads, picks and chooses those to be featured on the site and published books. It's an interesting site that has been going on for years and it's only now that I found out about it. Thanks Reddit! There are many secrets that have been featured that can trigger all sort of emotions.

One striking secret I want to centre on is this one:

The 9/11 was a huge devastasting global event, it affected many people in all sort of different ways. I was safely in my home in England watching it all happen on TV. To actually be there and actually experience the event I can only imagine. The fear, the adrenaline, the hopelessness, the death that occured, seems unbearable to me. And this secret brings a whole new perspective.

It's an incredible powerful image, and is for certain a modern work of art in my eyes. There're so much more hidden secrets within this, it's just so fascinating to me. If you think about it this person having experienced the event, who may have excaped certain death. Knowing that she or he survived, all they could think about is escaping and starting again. What does it take for someone to want to start a new life? Who were the people he/she left behind? The suffering or relief that caused from his/her fake death. The feeling from moment of making that decision must have been incredible! The liberating feeling of freedom? Cutting ties with family, friends, enemies? Then once you've started a new life, the dark and ever increasing secret in hiding your past. The lies you need to keep in starting again, the constant looking over your shoulder? Just WOW!

From another perspective. Imagine the family and friends of victims from the 9/11, where the bodies were not found and then having read this. The images of hope or wonder that their loved one is still alive in this world is also a powerful response from the secret.

Let's think for the moment about yourself hypothetically. If you had just faked your own death how would you feel. Relief? Regret? Those people you have left behind, would you miss them? I'm trying to imagine myself, how I'd feel for me to leave my family and friends, work and responsibilities. It's hard to imagine, in some sense there would be some relief, in another the cause of pain and suffering that would be caused because of it. It's like contemplating suicide, but just escaping and living with the fact you've left it all behind, keeping the past hidden and carry on suriviving. Too much for my little brain to bear, especially on a quiet Friday afternoon at work.

Now this being the internet, who knows what's real and what's fake. Even if this is fake it has created some thought provoking art, and because of that I still commend it!

My Secret

Personally I don't have many secrets, I've had too much of a boring, standard life but I do have a secret that I'm willing to share now that I'm older. When I was young, I can't remember how old, I was messing around with a tennis racket indoors, wacking a small cuddly toy against the wall. This was in the living room, where we had a rather large aquarium, with fishes. To provide context of the location. We lived in a take away, so the ground floor was the kitchen and take away area, and the upstairs was our bedrooms, living room and bathrooms. So anyway as you can guess one swing got a bit too wild and I smashed the top of the fish tank. In a panic I didn't know what to do, water was gushing down, the carpet floor was getting wet! If my parents found out I'd have got a right rollicking so I didn't want to admit that I did it. So how can I get away with it? Well because the fish tank was positioned below the clock on the wall. I took down the clock and placed it into the gap where the aquarium was broken. Then made my way downstairs like nothing had happened.

After some agonising minutes of waiting for someone to go upstairs and discover what has happened. Eventually my mum walks up and finds the damage that has been done, and she comes down in shock and horror and tells my dad that the clock fell down and smashed the fish tank! Huzzah I got away with it! Well sort of.... I was still  the one to clean up the mess with a mop and bucket, as my parents were still working at the time. So although I wasn't officially punishment, it was enough redemption for me to clean it up for myself. At least I felt guilt free in not owning up. Note the fishes survived and we bought a new fish tank to replace it.

So that's my little secret. :p It's not much of one, but it's one I'll always remember. Maybe I'll submit this secret to Postsecret and see if it gets featured.

'The clock didn't do it... I did.'

Will have to think of cool art work to go with it. :p

Love for Reddit

I'm dedicating this next entry on a community site called Reddit. It's a bit hard to describe, but essentially it is a social news website where the registered users submit content, in the form of either a link or a text "self" post. Other users then vote the submission "up" or "down," which is used to rank the post and determine its position on the site's pages and front page. Just browse the site it's very simple.

In this day and age, where time is limited, people have far shorter attention spans. We want that instant gratification of entertainment. This sites allows you to keep up to date with current internet trends, such as memes, news, and generally funny or interesting content. Knowing that all the decent content is already being voted high for everyone to see, whereas all the boring bad content would be voted down. It's a fantastic system, and due to the size of the site there are many subreddits for specific themes, topics, genres.

The most popular sub reddits are Pics, Funny, Politics, Gaming, World News & Ask Reddit. I like them all but I especially like AskReddit. For me Ask Reddit provides soo many interesting personal stories, and can provide many interesting facts I never knew. For instance one particular thread was most interesting, yet quite depressing. Someone asked the community 'what is your secret that would ruin your life if it came out?' It made me realise how much pain some people are going through, withholding certain information. For your perusal: Askreddit thread

What's great is that in one comment you'll read the most depressing, sad story, and then in next minute you'll read a comment and laugh about it. The community is great in that regard.

Sometimes obscure questions asks can lead into great comments, providing great stories. Like this one: Today you...Tomorrow me

And times when some answers provide some truly sad moments I geta bit teary eyed:
Moving comment (In fact, just read the whole thread there are still many moving/tear jerk comments!)

I mentioned in my previous entries about a subreddit called Seddit, which the community is based upon helping each other seduce one another. I find that this is also a very interesting read now and again too. Reading other people's experience in failed/successful attempts at wooing the other sex is quite compelling. The community behind it and the slang that is used, provides insight of a culture that can has developed on just getting with someone.

/Athiesm/ is an interesting forum for those curious enough to question their faith. I shamefully laugh on some of the content there, as there seems to be an elitist, superiority circle jerking there, that can be down right rude to fundamentalists/theists etc. However there can be some thought provoking quotes, content that is interesting to learn from. I mean I learned a lot from this one page than I ever did from Religious studies class back in school.

There are many sub reddits, in all shapes and sizes. There's a /Nosleep/ reddit page for horror, scary stories. There are other subreddits I won't link that are adult related content, for those who are abit horny, to down right weird ones in which I would never go on. I mean the WTF subreddit can be crazy enough with some Not Safe For Life content, but /Spacedicks/ and /Gore/ and probably other specialised niche groups that exist, I would avoid.

I should mention other sites that are similar to Reddit. Well known internet communities sites such as 4Chan and to a lesser extent 9Gag, which is a more child friendly version. Regarding 4Chan, even though I like how anyone can post on there without the requirement of registering, providing anonymity & they have created a lot of the internet culture you see and here about now, and provides dark, edgy humour you wouldn't see anywhere else. I can't seem to be able to navigate on 4Chan very well as it's not that user friendly, and the content on there is pretty much anything goes. So I stick to reddit.

So go on Reddit, if you're not on already. Great addictive site, when you are procastinating, and want some instant gratification.

Bank Holiday!

After that heartfelt, melancholy entry, I thought I'd go back to usual brainfart type updates. Now that I have put my ex in a positive light, I'd feel less guilty in criticising the more difficult moments in the relationship if and when they come up. We just had a nice long bank holiday weekend in the UK, unfortunately it was rain soaked, so it was a nice excuse to stay indoors. :)

Potential Tenants...

So I'm still waiting to complete my house, but interestingly I had an old uni mate contact me asking whether  I knew anyone had a room to rent for her younger sister. I obviously go back telling her that I'll be looking to rent out the 2nd bedroom as soon as I've established my new house. Alas she came back saying the house is too far away for her sister. It's no problem, but it would have been nice to have a house mate already to move in.

No matter, I feel that maybe searching for a house mate might be quite an interesting task. As I will have to advertise and interview potential people. Since a few of my friends have tenants of their own in their flats/houses. It'll be quite good to gather intel and advice from finding a house mate. One of my friends suggest using this as an opportunity to meet new people i.e. a potential new girlfriend. It sounds kinda sleazy and indecent. lol. However you never know who you meet so I'd be going in with an open mind.

The thing though is that I would not want to date my house mate, especially if she was to pay me rent every month. As it could potentially cause relationship issues like. What if she were to ask me to help her out in reducing rent, established living arrangements seems too fast in a relationship. So I'd prefer not to pursue a relationship with a house mate if I can help it. But as always I'd never count anything out, as my emotions can take the better of me.

I would ask, would the criterias be the same regarding a house mate vs a potential girlfriend? Let's say when I do conduct interviews for a tenant, what should the criterias I look for as a landlord? Well....I'd want them to be in a steady permanent job, nice, introverted, tidy and quiet. Now my exes have all been loud and extroverted and they've not worked out. Is that where it's gone wrong? Maybe I should consider the more quiet and introverted type? As the loud and extrovert have all failed. There seems to be an underlying cycle where I find it difficult to talk to the quiet and introverts. For one the introverts rarely go out and meet new people, so how do you meet these types even if they potentially could be 'the one'?

So it seems interviews are a forced siutation where you could meet these types is an opportunity. The moral problem would then lie in deciding whether I should reject the ones I potentially like, not knowing whether it could even work, yet they could be the best candidate for being a tenant/house mate. Sigh... I'll hit that problem when the time comes. It seems ethically and morally wrong in deciding the tenants, as I'd favour female tenants over males... lol. Females are just more reknowned to be more tidier. I know this from experience. I'm quite messy as a male, yet I know I'd tidy my own house like no tomorrow, just cause it's mine!

Little high... little low

Went for drinks and karaoke on Friday, and it felt like the longest time since I've been to karaoke. Actually since the place we normally go to has closed and changed management. The restaurant called Gallery Rendevouz, situated in Soho London was actually a very decent place to go to. Although the songs were not up to date, the system to load the songs was far too simple, (it was basically winamp with a search feature). The main drawing point was that it was cheap. The chicken wings there were also very good, helped too. Strange as it may seem that we would normally just sing the same old songs everytime, but we loved it. It's like an end of an era. That restaurant provided many memories, birthdays, and created many fun, spontaneous late night singing sessions. We have now opted for China City karaoke restaurant.

It was a much more expensive, granted China city has a much larger menu choice and the food is definitely better. In comparison we'd normally have a £10-15 meal before Gallery, and Karaoke would normally be only £5 per person. China City was £30 each for meal and karaoke. So £10-15 difference, which potentially another night out. I've not included drinks obviously but it gives you a picture of why we miss Gallery. Also China City, didn't have Mamas & Papas ' California Dreaming', Aha's 'Take on Me' or The Journey's 'Don't Stop Believing'! Yes the last song is from Glee.. shoot me. It's a great song to sing and have a laugh to.

Nothing quite beats singing your heart out amongst friends. Karaoke may seem daunting for some people, it can open up some people who are closet shower/alone in the car singers. It helps if you're drunk and can sing in tune, but then if you're drunk you don't particularly care. I mean if and when it gets to the high notes for us, we try and fail but with many laughs to be had in the process. So drinking and karaoke work very well in tandem, I love it, and would recommend it to a group of your friends. It's always a great night.

I nerded out over the rest of the weekend. Basically comic books, and the Walking Dead season 2. I finished reading the Infinity Gauntlet, Planet Hulk, and the prequel issues for the Annihilation arch, but also started the Civil War arch in the Marvel universe, it's going to be an epic read. I won't go into that just now as I will probably write a seperate entry for comic book entries as well as the Walking Dead, which I finished last night. Amazing series, even with flaws that I noticed.

That'll do for now. I tend to go on and on about nothing in these posts.