Eternal Sunshine

Lack of entries in this blog again due to being busy. I did actually start many blog entries, but I've not finished them and by the time I get back to it, I feel like it's too old and I've progressed to something else.

One thing to announce is I've moved in. Horray! I've moved in for about a month now and i love it. It's not the largest of houses, but it's mine, mine, mine, mine! :D There are endless amounts of tasks to do on the place, which suits me fine. Painting is mostly done, still a few furniture to get. Just last weekend I built my tv stand, and I'm very proud of it, even though I didn't have the screw driver to fix a particular connection. So I'm quite settled in now, and will try to get someone in to rent the spare room. Although I like being on my own and having the whole place to myself, it's better to have the extra income.

I have Fibre Optic broadband! Hello 69mb! Full 1080p HD movies are downloaded in half an hour now. Love it! Therefore I've been testing out my new LED HDTV, just yesterday I watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which is what the bulk of this entry will be about. Now I've not watched that film for quite some time, and I couldn't really relate to the protagonists the first time round. Rewatching it now it struck more of a chord.

I won't explain the whole movie, but it's about erasing your memory. Specifically memories of an ex. Imagine having the option to be able to erase parts of your memory. It's an interesting concept and allows to provide a poignant film. It was artistically shot, had a fantastic script and very well acted by Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet and the rest of the supporting cast. The main journey of the film was going through Joel's (Jim carrey) process in erasing all his memories of his ex Clementine (Kate Winslet).

He lives the memories one last time before they get erased, and we get to experience and learn how their relationship ended to how it started. We understand why they didn't work out, but we got glimpses of how it worked and why they loved each other. As he lives through each memory again, he realises it was the wrong decision in erasing his memories of her, because he still likes some of them, he wants to cherish the positive moments. So he tries to fight the process of his memories being erased.

The way they showed the memories of couple's arguing, experiencing their good and bad moments was very realistic and relate-able now.  Joel is a boring, nice, sensible type, Kate was the fun, impulsive, out going type. In a sense they are polar opposites yet seemingly fit very well with each other. So as I watched the film, all the good and bad moments in my past relationships came back. What made it more strange to me was how Clementine's character was similar to my last ex. They both have self esteem issues, maybe signs of a bipolar or a personality disorder. Either case it can be a difficult relationship to work with, which is what happened with both in their story and in mine.

****Spoilers**** for the next few paragraphs you have been warned

After both their memories have been erased they managed to meet each other again, and they rekindled their relationship again, knowing that it failed in the past. That's where the film ends. Whether it fails again or not we do not know. It's left to our interpretation. I like to think that they learnt from their mistakes and have a better relationship this time round, but something tells me they revisit all the bad stuff again and will continue the cycle of erasing their memories of each other and finding each other again. So in a sense they will be with each other forever but in a constant cycle. They do get to experience the best parts of the relationship which is discovering each other for the first time every time.

****Ends Spoilers****

It was a positive film for me though, because there is hope at the end. The message of cherishing your most positive memories of each other. Keeping your memories whether good or bad is what determines how you are today. Realise where you did right or gone wrong, is character building.

In terms of me in finding a new relationship. I am ready to move on, I just need to get myself out there. I went out for the first time in ages on Friday and met a girl, but even though she has a boyfriend, I teased and flirted, and got a bit of feedback. Obviously I didn't pursue, but it was nice to experience and get the attention I needed to know I still have value. The problem is getting myself out there, I'm in no rush.

Free Time!

It's been a while, but I am back. Still busy, but found a quiet time at work, with not much to do being Friday and all, I thought I'd update my blog.

First off I'll talk about my exam. I took a week off work and I went to a local library every day to study. This was much needed, because I can get distracted very easily if I stayed at home to study. Luckily for me a new library just opened up quite recently in my area. It've witness the building take shape in the months that it had taken to be built. So it was the first time to enter the building and experience a new library. To say the least it's a not a conventional looking building as you can see in the picture above. It's definitely style over substance.

The interior is overly extravagant, with a lot of empty space. There is a looping staircase that goes to the first floor, that takes up a large amount of space. I think it looks cool, but in doing so, there becomes a less space for potentially more important things. Because of this it means that there is a lower capacity for room to study.  Luckilly again I'm an early bird and I can find a seat easily around 9am/10am, but within the hour there will be no more seats left. Granted this is probably the peak time for people as there are exams for everyone coming up not just me. The library gets worse when school kids come in as well around 2pm. I had got up for one moment and my seat was stolen! I believe the staff told a lot of the kids off in doing so. Another chair was found for me anyway, but it was annoying.

Regardless it allowed me to study better and when it came to the exam, I believe it overall went well. I will find out the results in September, until then I am free!

In terms of the house situation. I'm now waiting on a set date to complete! As I've handied over signed contracts and pass over 10% of the deposit! I can not wait to move now! The process has been soo long, I'm thankful that the wait is nearly over. It's still touch and go, because my flatmate will be moving out too at the end of this month and I really need to move out before her, otherwise it could get a bit complicated. We are both using the same solicitor so he is aware of the siutation and is confident for me, which provides me some relief.

In my freetime, I've been playing tons of Diablo 3, watching the Euros and have actually done a bit of running for once. I swear I need to go for a run more often. I rarely do any exercise. Granted I'm not exactly fat, in fact most people will tell me to put on weight. I still want to be fitter. Being single and all again I feel need to shape up to be more attractive, and feel more confident about myself. I'll do more once I've moved, probably setup a mini gym in the garage for myself.

Busy

Lack of entries lately, because I've been busy with Diablo 3, house stuff and having to try to study for my exam next week. :'( Wish me luck!

Common Harrassment?

Reddit never fails to deliver in providing good material to write and talk about. I've got a few entries drafted up already on topics I'd like to share. First this one in particular, is a post about one women's experience in dealing with men.

One extract I'd like to share I've copied and pasted, but it's all there for you to read.

Blehhhhhh Writes:

'Sit back - this is gonna be long.

You have to understand - this isn't just mindless fear coming from nowhere. This isn't media-driven. This fear comes from a million interactions with men over a lifetime - men who go too far and feel that it's ok to touch/grope and otherwise threaten you (and of course, rape, at the far end of the spectrum).

This starts early - bra snapping, for instance. I'm not saying it's sexual assault for a young guy to snap a young girl's bra, but it's intrusive, unwanted, humiliating and painful. Somehow, these boys think it's ok or even funny to do this. It's objectifying and implies that these boys think a girl's body/underwear are his to do with as he pleases.

I remember in 8th grade Flashdance was a huge movie (yes, I'm old). I was wearing - as a lot of girls were - a sweatshirt that was cut out at the neck, so one shoulder was exposed (like the lead character in the movie). I didn't think anything of how I looked, I just wanted to wear a Flashdancesweatshirt. That day, a boy I had never spoken to sneered at me and said "You're just wearing that so everyone looks at your boobs." He was angry. I have never been so humiliated before or since. I was 12 and I had no concept that someone might be looking at my breasts, or that someone would wear a shirt just to make that happen.

The thing that burned that interaction on my brain though, and makes it a propos, was his anger about it. Like I was trying to fuck with him. It's the same anger that comes through loud and clear when some guy yells "Hey, nice tits."

In Jr. high/high school we all start to learn about the unexpected grope. About the guy who slips his hand on your chair so you sit on it, then laughs with all his friends. About the hard pinch on your ass in the hallway, or the straight up grab both your breasts move. Again, mocking, angry laughter with the guy's friends usually accompanies these things.

Are you starting to get the picture?

High school is usually also when men (often much older men) start to drive very slowly next to us, trying to "talk" to us and get us in the car.

There are so many many more examples. Guys grinding on you in the club. Guys jerking off next to you on the bus, guys cornering you on the street. Guys and their friends forming a circle around you and you barely escape.

Here's another good one from my own memory banks. I was a senior in high school and went to a college party with a friend. We were both gothy girls and my friend called herself a "witch." One of the guys at the party asked her about the pentagram she was wearing, she told him she was a witch, and he started to get really belligerent. His friends joined in, taunting us both and saying we were devil worshipers. Then shit got scary - he and his friend picked up pool cues and said they were going to shove them so far up us they'd get the devil out. They tried to grab us, we shoved past them and ran.

Are you starting to understand why strange men talking to you on the street is so threatening?

I've had guys follow me home from work. There was one guy who lived at a halfway house at the end of my block who used to wait for me to get off the bus so he could leer at me and say all sorts of disgusting shit.

Thankfully, most of this has stopped now that I'm a mom and middle aged - that makes me pretty much invisible to men (it's actually kind of funny how invisible I am now!) But -- as recently as 2 years ago when I was 7 months pregnant there were guys who would yell shit at me.

Oh, and I'm just an average-looking woman.

All this to say - there's a long history for most women of harassment, straight up assault, possibly rape that has us all in a constant state of alert. So, keep that in mind if you want to meet a girl you see on the street.

Don't act threatening. Don't follow her. If she seems freaked out, stop trying to talk to her. Your best bet is NOT to compliment her on her appearance. Strike up a conversation about something else. Say something funny. Talk about the weather. Comment on what's in her shopping cart. ANYTHING but her appearance (that includes asking about tattoos, piercings, etc). That's just a giant red flag. And then, if she seems friendly, keep talking for a bit - like a friendly person, not someone who wants to get laid. And then - give her your number and ask if she'd like to get coffee sometime.

There is NO REASON for a man to talk to a woman about her appearance if he doesn't know her. It's intrusive, even if it's just "you look nice today." Why can't you just think that, and keep it to yourself? Why do you feel the need to make her know that you think she's attractive? That's all about your wants and your needs and nothing at all to do with her.

So again I say, if you want to talk to a woman you've never met, talk about anything else but what she looks like.'

Wow!

It really shows the difference between men and women, at least how we are quite oblivious to it all. It's very unfortunate that she or any girl has to go through these types of experiences. Me being a man, even though I've had my butt being pinched in a club, I will never ever know what it's really like. I will admit I perve at women, I've been to stag dos, gone to strip clubs, partaken in lap dances etc. However, I have never gone up to stangers and said crude remarks about their bodies, and definitely not touched. If I notice a rather attractive lady, honestly I'll perve a little, but subtly, keep the thoughts to myself and that would be the end of it.

'American Girl in Italy' by Ruth Orkin

I know the male macho attitude in a group dynamic. There's an alpha male circle jerking, acting cool type attitude at times. I have laughed at my fair share of sexist remarks and comments from my friends, as much as I have laughed at many non-pc, bad taste and borderline racist jokes. We talk among ourselves and checking girls out, and objectifying them. Hell! I'd have lost a lot of 'man-points' just by writing this entry. I don't care. I'm sure it happens the other way round, but the difference is that girls get it a lot more frequently and in public too. To have that continue through out your life to be constantly perved at, touched and creeped out on......... No wonder girls will have a low opinion of the opposite sex, especially strangers.

The stories on that thread are interesting, because being a male I've no idea of how often these things occur. I feel like there needs to be some form of education with regards to the differences between men and women. We will never solve our differences without acknowledging/providing open discussions on experience we go through. Even if a guy with good intentions, goes up to women to honestly tell them they look nice,  it may not come off as how the guy intended. From a comment in the thread:

shakingpaper writes
'Why does that guy feel the need to say that I'm pretty? Should I keep my guard up now? Is that really all I have to offer--my looks? Why did he have to single me out? Now I feel embarrassed, I wish men would leave me alone....etc.'

smilesoup writes
'This is also exactly what runs through my head. Apprehension, nervousness, embarrassment, and potentially fear.'


I suppose some girls can appreciate the nicer comments said in the best intentions. However at least there is context in understanding why some girls have this fear/anxiety over strangers. Regardless if you're giving someone a compliment.


I mean we see strangers every day of our lives, we know nothing about them. The only thing we can judge is the appearance and how they look. If they show certain parts of their bodies in public, then men will naturally look. It's a survival reproductive instinct in our bodies if you will, it's natural. The difference however, is in controlling yourself and not be a jerk.  Rule of thumb is never disturb a stranger, unless it's an emergency. Personally I don't know why individual guys do it.

Just for the thrill? Maybe they are sad and lonely and this is the only way they are able to make contact with a beautiful woman. Maybe some are jealous of their looks, because they know that they could never be with someone that attractive they end up hating them and resenting them. Some may do it out of immaturity. Some thinks the world revolves around and only conceave women as only an object in their eyes. Some may do it to get a rise out of the person. Lots and lots of reasons... I swear I don't envy you girls. I feel like men have it much simpler. Constantly nervous and in potential fear, just from your looks, sounds like a horrible way to live.

Now knowing all this, it's probably going to make me more aware than I am already. This only reinforces my attitude to forced encounters. Can I ever pay a compliment to a complete stranger for a one time thing? I certainly think it's rather difficult to make definite contact with a girl with this method. In the end I don't think I would anyway. I'm far too passive to do that. So a smile and a hi is all you're going to get girls, unless something completely blows my mind and I just have to say it, and I'm not listening to my music. :p

I remember once, I noticed a girls cutest most slender hands, holding a bar whilst standing on a train. Never in my mind would I thought I'd give her a compliment, it's just something I noticed and kept to myself. Thinking back it would definitely freak her out, and probably make her all subconscious about it.I suppose all girls will treat each harassments/encounters differently, the fact that it happens all the time is worrying and unsettling. Makes me wonder how you girls walk out of the door sometimes.

If you're a guy and you want to meet a girl on the street or in a random public place this is something need to learn and be aware of. They have no idea who you are, you're stepping into their private space, so they're naturally going to be defensive to a random stranger. You'd need a lot of things going for you for it to even work. The setting has to be right, and the ice to be broken and that they have established that you're safe and not a creep.

This all sort of steps into that debate on girls dressing sensibly and responsibly. Yet it's such a shame, because you should be able to dress how you like and not be perceived a sexual objects. Yet it happens time and time again. It seems you girls just learn to deal with it, cope as best as you're able to, and now we've come to terms that this is 'normal' for this to happen, but it shouldn't be really it's the guys that need to stop it.

My advice is to learn to be safe girls and try to educate your fellow men.

My Meaning of Life.

We've all pondered it, we're all seeking the answers. This will be probably be a long entry to the point of a mini essay... lol. It probably won't make a whole lot of sense, but I'll try. :p

I get moments in my life where I stop and think... why am I the one controlling this body, why am I living this persons life till the end, what does it all mean?  I am controlling my thoughts and actions and writing this, you whoever is reading this, is controlling that body and is reading this blog. Have you ever had that sense of out of body perspective. I get the same feeling sometimes when I stop and look at people when I travel to and from work and wonder the many lives being controlled, all in their own world, trying to survive and getting through life.

The earliest enlightened moment of this was when I was probably around 5/6 years old. I was sitting on the floor with all the other children and listening to our teacher tell a story. I remember this because I was thinking about my situation that I'm just sitting here listening to this person talking and i was just thinking just how and why? It was a short moment of pondering, I was young and I didn't really know what I was thinking/seeing at the time so it passed and I carried on with my life. Yet I still remember that feeling, that first moment.

So the ultimate question... how was life created and the reason as to why we're all here? How are there so many living creatures all individually controlled, located in this one place called Earth?

I know through what I've learnt that I was created through a biological miracle via my father and mother. And yet at some point in that process, the growth and control of this body suddenly happened. There was a point where suddenly I became self aware. Is there such a thing as a soul? Was there an all mighty power who decides and creates souls inside new born babies? Animals, plants, Humans, all things living? The use of these bodies as a vessal before moving on to a greater meaning? Or simply our brain growing more developed, and we're a bunch of chemicals allowing intelligent thought processes? I believe we are so insignificant and significant at the same time.

I believe I am significant because I'm controlling this body, and it is in my interest to survive and make something happen through this male human life. It's all I can do, so it's very significant to me. We are all selfish to a degree for survival. Yet still I believe I'm insignificant, because I'm actually not even a tiny speck in the giant multiverse that we live in. When I look in to space I realised that we are nothing compared to the infinite space that is out there.

Arthur C. Clarke provides a great quote: 'Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.' And he is right! Which is more terrifying to you?

To me it would be more frightening that we are alone, because if this is all the life that is left, then we must cherish it and continue fighting for life and survival against all the odds. I would love to know that we are not alone, because it could provide more questions but also answers than regardless how dangerous it could possibly be.

We have sought to religion and science to find an answer, and yet both may or may not be the answer. At least either can provide some meaning to your life. Religions have been around the longest and arguably can provide the most meaning as upposed to science who are still seeking an answer. Neither is right or wrong, but in my opinion the best advice I can give to anyone is, to be able to admit that there is a possibility that whatever you believe in could be wrong. What I love about Scientists,  are that they are always trying to prove each other wrong. All established theories we know and love today, are still trying to be proved wrong. We have whittled down to a few theories that are acceptable, yet it's still not absolute correct. This is what differs to me between science and religion. For human progression and evolution, we need to continue to be seeking answers, rather than stopping and believing in something written in an old book to be absolute correct.

There could be many future breakthroughs in discoveries and yet people still cling on to a belief that they may have been born into. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to offend religion. I believe a religion can provide a decent way of life. It gives people's lives absolute meaning, who wouldn't want that. If everyone conformed to one outlook, a set of rules to live our lives, the better we all can be in getting along and living with one another. The problem is unfortunately that there are too many different of opinions and certain individuals have taken certain religions to extreme levels for individual gain.

Satirical books by Terry Pratchett known for his fantasy Discworld novels, provides a different perspective on life and death, often with humour. When someone dies in his novels, Death comes along with his scythe and cuts the cord that keeps the soul and the body together. The character that has just died often remarks on 'what happens now?'. Death's response in nonplussed, then what actually happens next, is that whatever the character believes in will happen.

For example, warriors who believed when they die in a battlefield in honour, they would be taken away to their heaven on horseback by big bussomed ladies, which is exactly what happens to them. Others who believe they will reincarnate, will do just that. Those who believe in simply vanishing and not existing anymore, that's what happens to them. Of course the uniform belief that an all powerful Death takes you away is not the point, but the belief of what happens to you after death is interesting.

This is so meaningful for anyone, because in life we can never prove or know what will happen after death, but if you provide meaning in death, before you die, you can provide meaning in life as well. Especially at the moment of death, you try to take comfort and seek solace by providing your life meaning. When struck with grief from a death of a loved on, certain beliefs can provide us peace of mind. 'They have moved on to a better place'. Therefore whatever we believe in is our choice.

Those terrorist bombers who believe in their heaven with so many virgins, is considered insane and mad to us, but it's right to them. It's a matter of choice and perspective, how we consider what are lives mean and in death.

We can still question our choices, question our faith. A lot of things happen in our lives that is out of our control and we blame it on something, we question faith, luck, high power, fate. This is another factor that is impossible to prove and answer for. The world is chaotic, full of timings, chance, probability, a constant clash of atoms and chemicals. We sometimes create an illusion that something else is part of our lives, something greater, something more important, a higher power controlling the uncontrollable. It could be wishful thinking, or it could in fact be a reality no-one knows. What we do know if what is in front of us, what is in front of me.

The whole situation and circumstance that we are all living in this small world together is mind boggling and I do not have an answer as to how and why. I may never fully understand it all in my life time. However I will continue to ask questions and will make my own judgements and find different perspectives before I make that choice. 

Phew.....I could go into much more depth and detail into the points I made, but I'm not going to write a book. There's so much out there. All I can do is to live this life to the best that I'm capable of. And everyone should live their lives to the best that they're capable of. Seek the things you like, seek the things that make you happy, create the answers yourself. For all we know there is only one life, we might as well try and enjoy it.

Sports Drama

Not much to update, so I'd skip this entry if you're not into Sports, follow football, or play starcraft 2.

Football

Anyway, an awesome last day for football in the Premier League! I watched the QPR vs Man City, and the scenes at the end were unbelievable. What an incredible rollercoaster ride for Man City fans, and fantastic drama for neutrals like me watching. Hollywood could not have come up with a better script. Within a space of 5 minutes at the end of the game, Man city was on the verge of losing the championship, but then to scored 2 goals in quick succession to win was amazing. Let's hope the next season will be just as exhilarating!

I support Tottenham Hotspurs, and we came forth in the league, which means for now we are qualified to the Champions League! Woohoo! But it could be taken away if Chelsea wins the finals... Boooooo!. Therefore it's no surprise that I'll be supporting Bayern Munich in the final. :p

In fact lots to watch this weekend coming. Championship play off finals, Champions League finals, MLG Spring Arena Starcraft 2 tournament, GSL Finals. I don't know what's up with the 19th of May, but it seems to be the best day for tournaments to be scheduled!

Gaming

Speaking of starcraft 2, i've actually been playing alot more recently, with my friends in team games and 1v1 ladder. In the team games we're actually doing ok against the players that we have been up against. There have been times we have hit a wall and do not know what to do. My friends love to play very early aggression, which means that our mid/final game can suffer. Still loads of fun.

For the 1v1s I just played enough to get my 10 wins so I can get the new portrait on my profile. So I'm pleased with that. I seem to play very well against other Zerg players, but suffer against other Protoss players. I keep losing to 4 gates, which is actually very obvious that it's coming, just that my build collapses when I play.

I'm wondering why it is so stressful playing 1v1s, I don't know why I don't just play and not care about losing. There is actually a known condition amongst the SC2 community and have labelled it ladder anxiety. People are actually scared to hit the find match button! It's weird, cause I find it can be difficult too. It's normally a 'Fuck it, let's just do it' sort of attitude that ends up getting me going. And once the countdown starts there's no going back. It's partly because it's hard. It's very challenging, and watching VODs and streams is so much more relaxing than playing it. :p

Source: http://fuckyeahstarcraft.tumblr.com

As amongst my friends we've only recently gotten heavily into SC2, and one friend in particular mentioned that he has lost all his 1v1 games so far. But when he looks back on the replay he notices that he could have stayed in the game and win. It's a crazy feeling that is quite underappreciated compared to watching vs actually playing. When you're watching you get to see everything and know exactly what each player is doing. Compared to playing you're in the dark mostly unless you scout heavily. When you have large engagements and trading armies and lost most of your units, you feel as though you've lost, when in fact you're doing ok and just trading. I had quite an epic game before against a protoss, but in the end I left because I couldn't muster the strength to continue, when I could have tried.

I criticise professional players that leave games early, but there I am doing it too. You develop certain game sense that you feel that once it gets to the situation you know it's difficult to come back into the game, you collapse and give in. I'll try not to quit so early in the next games I played. Sometimes you just know though that it's over.

Incidentaly in regards to gaming Diablo 3 has just been released. And currently many people are trying to log in but can't because the servers are full. Craziness! Gaming has gotten extremely popular in the past decade it's incredible. I will probably buy the game at a later date, considering I have exams soon and that there are errors, bugs and over populution. I'd rather wait for all of that to be sorted out first, so my gaming experience will be more enjoyable.

Wow... I wrote more that I anticipated. I guess I'm quite passionate about Starcraft 2 at the moment. Loads of fun!

Secrets

Double Entry Day, just because I found something cool and wanted to share it! :p Frank Warren did an Ask Me Anything thread on reddit and it provided me awareness of his site. It's a community art project where he gets sent secrets in postcard art format anonymously, and he then reads, picks and chooses those to be featured on the site and published books. It's an interesting site that has been going on for years and it's only now that I found out about it. Thanks Reddit! There are many secrets that have been featured that can trigger all sort of emotions.

One striking secret I want to centre on is this one:

The 9/11 was a huge devastasting global event, it affected many people in all sort of different ways. I was safely in my home in England watching it all happen on TV. To actually be there and actually experience the event I can only imagine. The fear, the adrenaline, the hopelessness, the death that occured, seems unbearable to me. And this secret brings a whole new perspective.

It's an incredible powerful image, and is for certain a modern work of art in my eyes. There're so much more hidden secrets within this, it's just so fascinating to me. If you think about it this person having experienced the event, who may have excaped certain death. Knowing that she or he survived, all they could think about is escaping and starting again. What does it take for someone to want to start a new life? Who were the people he/she left behind? The suffering or relief that caused from his/her fake death. The feeling from moment of making that decision must have been incredible! The liberating feeling of freedom? Cutting ties with family, friends, enemies? Then once you've started a new life, the dark and ever increasing secret in hiding your past. The lies you need to keep in starting again, the constant looking over your shoulder? Just WOW!

From another perspective. Imagine the family and friends of victims from the 9/11, where the bodies were not found and then having read this. The images of hope or wonder that their loved one is still alive in this world is also a powerful response from the secret.

Let's think for the moment about yourself hypothetically. If you had just faked your own death how would you feel. Relief? Regret? Those people you have left behind, would you miss them? I'm trying to imagine myself, how I'd feel for me to leave my family and friends, work and responsibilities. It's hard to imagine, in some sense there would be some relief, in another the cause of pain and suffering that would be caused because of it. It's like contemplating suicide, but just escaping and living with the fact you've left it all behind, keeping the past hidden and carry on suriviving. Too much for my little brain to bear, especially on a quiet Friday afternoon at work.

Now this being the internet, who knows what's real and what's fake. Even if this is fake it has created some thought provoking art, and because of that I still commend it!

My Secret

Personally I don't have many secrets, I've had too much of a boring, standard life but I do have a secret that I'm willing to share now that I'm older. When I was young, I can't remember how old, I was messing around with a tennis racket indoors, wacking a small cuddly toy against the wall. This was in the living room, where we had a rather large aquarium, with fishes. To provide context of the location. We lived in a take away, so the ground floor was the kitchen and take away area, and the upstairs was our bedrooms, living room and bathrooms. So anyway as you can guess one swing got a bit too wild and I smashed the top of the fish tank. In a panic I didn't know what to do, water was gushing down, the carpet floor was getting wet! If my parents found out I'd have got a right rollicking so I didn't want to admit that I did it. So how can I get away with it? Well because the fish tank was positioned below the clock on the wall. I took down the clock and placed it into the gap where the aquarium was broken. Then made my way downstairs like nothing had happened.

After some agonising minutes of waiting for someone to go upstairs and discover what has happened. Eventually my mum walks up and finds the damage that has been done, and she comes down in shock and horror and tells my dad that the clock fell down and smashed the fish tank! Huzzah I got away with it! Well sort of.... I was still  the one to clean up the mess with a mop and bucket, as my parents were still working at the time. So although I wasn't officially punishment, it was enough redemption for me to clean it up for myself. At least I felt guilt free in not owning up. Note the fishes survived and we bought a new fish tank to replace it.

So that's my little secret. :p It's not much of one, but it's one I'll always remember. Maybe I'll submit this secret to Postsecret and see if it gets featured.

'The clock didn't do it... I did.'

Will have to think of cool art work to go with it. :p

Love for Reddit

I'm dedicating this next entry on a community site called Reddit. It's a bit hard to describe, but essentially it is a social news website where the registered users submit content, in the form of either a link or a text "self" post. Other users then vote the submission "up" or "down," which is used to rank the post and determine its position on the site's pages and front page. Just browse the site it's very simple.

In this day and age, where time is limited, people have far shorter attention spans. We want that instant gratification of entertainment. This sites allows you to keep up to date with current internet trends, such as memes, news, and generally funny or interesting content. Knowing that all the decent content is already being voted high for everyone to see, whereas all the boring bad content would be voted down. It's a fantastic system, and due to the size of the site there are many subreddits for specific themes, topics, genres.

The most popular sub reddits are Pics, Funny, Politics, Gaming, World News & Ask Reddit. I like them all but I especially like AskReddit. For me Ask Reddit provides soo many interesting personal stories, and can provide many interesting facts I never knew. For instance one particular thread was most interesting, yet quite depressing. Someone asked the community 'what is your secret that would ruin your life if it came out?' It made me realise how much pain some people are going through, withholding certain information. For your perusal: Askreddit thread

What's great is that in one comment you'll read the most depressing, sad story, and then in next minute you'll read a comment and laugh about it. The community is great in that regard.

Sometimes obscure questions asks can lead into great comments, providing great stories. Like this one: Today you...Tomorrow me

And times when some answers provide some truly sad moments I geta bit teary eyed:
Moving comment (In fact, just read the whole thread there are still many moving/tear jerk comments!)

I mentioned in my previous entries about a subreddit called Seddit, which the community is based upon helping each other seduce one another. I find that this is also a very interesting read now and again too. Reading other people's experience in failed/successful attempts at wooing the other sex is quite compelling. The community behind it and the slang that is used, provides insight of a culture that can has developed on just getting with someone.

/Athiesm/ is an interesting forum for those curious enough to question their faith. I shamefully laugh on some of the content there, as there seems to be an elitist, superiority circle jerking there, that can be down right rude to fundamentalists/theists etc. However there can be some thought provoking quotes, content that is interesting to learn from. I mean I learned a lot from this one page than I ever did from Religious studies class back in school.

There are many sub reddits, in all shapes and sizes. There's a /Nosleep/ reddit page for horror, scary stories. There are other subreddits I won't link that are adult related content, for those who are abit horny, to down right weird ones in which I would never go on. I mean the WTF subreddit can be crazy enough with some Not Safe For Life content, but /Spacedicks/ and /Gore/ and probably other specialised niche groups that exist, I would avoid.

I should mention other sites that are similar to Reddit. Well known internet communities sites such as 4Chan and to a lesser extent 9Gag, which is a more child friendly version. Regarding 4Chan, even though I like how anyone can post on there without the requirement of registering, providing anonymity & they have created a lot of the internet culture you see and here about now, and provides dark, edgy humour you wouldn't see anywhere else. I can't seem to be able to navigate on 4Chan very well as it's not that user friendly, and the content on there is pretty much anything goes. So I stick to reddit.

So go on Reddit, if you're not on already. Great addictive site, when you are procastinating, and want some instant gratification.

Bank Holiday!

After that heartfelt, melancholy entry, I thought I'd go back to usual brainfart type updates. Now that I have put my ex in a positive light, I'd feel less guilty in criticising the more difficult moments in the relationship if and when they come up. We just had a nice long bank holiday weekend in the UK, unfortunately it was rain soaked, so it was a nice excuse to stay indoors. :)

Potential Tenants...

So I'm still waiting to complete my house, but interestingly I had an old uni mate contact me asking whether  I knew anyone had a room to rent for her younger sister. I obviously go back telling her that I'll be looking to rent out the 2nd bedroom as soon as I've established my new house. Alas she came back saying the house is too far away for her sister. It's no problem, but it would have been nice to have a house mate already to move in.

No matter, I feel that maybe searching for a house mate might be quite an interesting task. As I will have to advertise and interview potential people. Since a few of my friends have tenants of their own in their flats/houses. It'll be quite good to gather intel and advice from finding a house mate. One of my friends suggest using this as an opportunity to meet new people i.e. a potential new girlfriend. It sounds kinda sleazy and indecent. lol. However you never know who you meet so I'd be going in with an open mind.

The thing though is that I would not want to date my house mate, especially if she was to pay me rent every month. As it could potentially cause relationship issues like. What if she were to ask me to help her out in reducing rent, established living arrangements seems too fast in a relationship. So I'd prefer not to pursue a relationship with a house mate if I can help it. But as always I'd never count anything out, as my emotions can take the better of me.

I would ask, would the criterias be the same regarding a house mate vs a potential girlfriend? Let's say when I do conduct interviews for a tenant, what should the criterias I look for as a landlord? Well....I'd want them to be in a steady permanent job, nice, introverted, tidy and quiet. Now my exes have all been loud and extroverted and they've not worked out. Is that where it's gone wrong? Maybe I should consider the more quiet and introverted type? As the loud and extrovert have all failed. There seems to be an underlying cycle where I find it difficult to talk to the quiet and introverts. For one the introverts rarely go out and meet new people, so how do you meet these types even if they potentially could be 'the one'?

So it seems interviews are a forced siutation where you could meet these types is an opportunity. The moral problem would then lie in deciding whether I should reject the ones I potentially like, not knowing whether it could even work, yet they could be the best candidate for being a tenant/house mate. Sigh... I'll hit that problem when the time comes. It seems ethically and morally wrong in deciding the tenants, as I'd favour female tenants over males... lol. Females are just more reknowned to be more tidier. I know this from experience. I'm quite messy as a male, yet I know I'd tidy my own house like no tomorrow, just cause it's mine!

Little high... little low

Went for drinks and karaoke on Friday, and it felt like the longest time since I've been to karaoke. Actually since the place we normally go to has closed and changed management. The restaurant called Gallery Rendevouz, situated in Soho London was actually a very decent place to go to. Although the songs were not up to date, the system to load the songs was far too simple, (it was basically winamp with a search feature). The main drawing point was that it was cheap. The chicken wings there were also very good, helped too. Strange as it may seem that we would normally just sing the same old songs everytime, but we loved it. It's like an end of an era. That restaurant provided many memories, birthdays, and created many fun, spontaneous late night singing sessions. We have now opted for China City karaoke restaurant.

It was a much more expensive, granted China city has a much larger menu choice and the food is definitely better. In comparison we'd normally have a £10-15 meal before Gallery, and Karaoke would normally be only £5 per person. China City was £30 each for meal and karaoke. So £10-15 difference, which potentially another night out. I've not included drinks obviously but it gives you a picture of why we miss Gallery. Also China City, didn't have Mamas & Papas ' California Dreaming', Aha's 'Take on Me' or The Journey's 'Don't Stop Believing'! Yes the last song is from Glee.. shoot me. It's a great song to sing and have a laugh to.

Nothing quite beats singing your heart out amongst friends. Karaoke may seem daunting for some people, it can open up some people who are closet shower/alone in the car singers. It helps if you're drunk and can sing in tune, but then if you're drunk you don't particularly care. I mean if and when it gets to the high notes for us, we try and fail but with many laughs to be had in the process. So drinking and karaoke work very well in tandem, I love it, and would recommend it to a group of your friends. It's always a great night.

I nerded out over the rest of the weekend. Basically comic books, and the Walking Dead season 2. I finished reading the Infinity Gauntlet, Planet Hulk, and the prequel issues for the Annihilation arch, but also started the Civil War arch in the Marvel universe, it's going to be an epic read. I won't go into that just now as I will probably write a seperate entry for comic book entries as well as the Walking Dead, which I finished last night. Amazing series, even with flaws that I noticed.

That'll do for now. I tend to go on and on about nothing in these posts.

Remember Remember....

I will remember you for the good times we had.
I will remember our first meeting, the only female at a stag do.
I will remember our first dance at the wedding, when we were the only ones dancing completely different to the rest of the people.
I will remember our first kiss
I will remember how I sung to you over the phone, in a toilet, when I was in cornwall on a trip with my friends.
I will remember your constant snotty nose
I will remember our first encounter of your driving that scared me and my friends.
I will remember when we climbed the giant log ladders together, we were very proud of ourselves.
I will remember our trip to Venice when we spend a day to visit Murano and Burano Islands. We stayed to watch the beautiful sunset.
I will remember grossing you out, generally testing your levels of OCD.
I will remember your love for food, and introducing you to Vietnamese.
I will remember your smile, and the way you never liked showing your teeth in photos, because you were embarassed.
I will remember our cuddles in front of the TV, in bed, holding of hands.
I will remember the joy you had in picking on me.
I will remember our shopping trips, and my joke of swatting people out of the way with my newspaper
I will remember your temper tantrums, and although it was difficult then, they're endearing now
I will remember your random hugs
I will remember your face at it's most happiest moments always
Regardless of what has happened between us, I have moved on now, but I will always remember you in the most positive light

Will

Smashing Weekend

I've got a stiff neck today... It's bloody annoying. I was tempted to take today off work, but decided to man up and take the pain. To my surprise, and my disappointment, it actually felt better once I was out of bed. Even though I can move around, my head feels like it's in a permanent fixed position. Much like a Victorian lady, who is practicing good posture. I swear I could balance a bowl of fruit on my head as I walk around. I will probably feel it tomorrow morning as well, but for now it feels better.

Topic for today, are my weekend activities, which resulted in me watching the Avengers, trying to open a bank account and visiting grand parents.

SMASH!

First off. The new Avengers movie is awesome! As much as I'd like to write a review. I won't go into too much detail. For me it's the best film of the year so far. I had watched all the previous marvel movies, bar the Incredible Hulk. However after watching the Avengers I wish I had. I have never been a big of the Hulk fan, even when I was young. I didn't enjoy the cartoons, I didn't make a big deal out of the tv series. I sort of enjoyed the Ang Lee adaptation apart from the ending. In the Avengers, Hulk managed to steal the show for some reason. There was an underlying flawed character, with a monster inside him was really well done by Joss Whedon. He got alot of laughs, he gave me a few scares, he provided awe inducing destruction. He seemed so damn powerful, to the point my friend said he's OP (overpowered).

Not to give Hulk all the credit, Captain America gave me nerd chills when he stepped up to lead the team. Iron Man still provided a lot of laughs with his quick jabs at other people's expense. Thor and Loki provided some great drama. Black Widow provided nice eye candy, impressive fighting sequences, interesting psychological mind games, and she also provided the catalyst of fear from the Hulk. In terms of story plot, it was at it's most basic level, but considering that this is a team origins movie. I think the story can take a little step back to concerntrate on the characters coming together. The sequel will no doubt happen, after I believe more solo franchises. Iron Man 3, Thor 2, Captain America 2 are already in the works. And you know what I wouldn't mind a new Hulk, or Hawkeye/Black Widow movies too.

So with this new found enthusiasm on the whole comic book super hero genre. I've been looking into the best comics for each of the characters to to catch up on. I've never been into the western comics, as I've really only read the japanese manga comics. So this is new territory of geekdom for me! I have managed to locate Planet Hulk, World War Hulk, Infinity Gauntlet, Annihilation, Captian America Vol 5 1- 33 and the Thanos Imperative for the time being. Looks like studying for me is going to take another step back....

Free Money

Also attempted to open a bank account at Bank of China on Sunday. For those who don't know. Hong Kong is giving HK $6,000.00 to every Hong Kong Citizen.  Everyone that has a Hong Kong ID with 3 stars is eligible. Funny considering the world is in full of debt. Hong Kong seems to have too much money and is giving it away. I suppose this would actually boosts the economy within the country as well. Anyway to collect the money, you need to either fill the forms and collect it in Hong Kong, or you can nominate a Hong Kong bank account and transfer it there. Even though the $6k is probably an equivalent to a free flight to Hong Kong, I decided it would be best to transfer the money over. Especially considering that the money could go towards more furniture. And as I can't say no to free money, a bit of effort to open an account is worth it.

I'm glad the bank is actually open on a Sunday, considering it's pretty non existent in this country. I suspect it's probably due to the demand from the local chinese community, but this also means it's extremely busy. It was pretty much a failed attempt for me, because I didn't have an appointment, not only that I didn't have all of the documentation necessary as I needed proof of address. This was also a cause for concern for my grand mother, who also wanted to open up an account. It's just unfortunately that she doesn't have proof of address, because my grand father's name is on most of the bills, and her bank account is a booklet, so she does not receive any statement via the post. Luckily she does received some annual statement, but she has to wait till May for it.

Grandmother advice

So visiting grandparents and the obvious discussion came up of what happened with my ex. I didn't really talk about it, but her advice was to find a girl not as smart as me. Ahem....  I'm not sure if it was an insult to me, or to my ex. They obviously assume that it was a factor in the relationship.  I mean intelligence does play a factor in choosing a partner for me. Only to the point at the very least that I'm able to converse with them, otherwise I'm pretty open to the level of intelligence. ....Oh grandmother, still in her old ways.

It does put something in perspective though in terms of compatibility. If anything it's insecurity. It's not nice feeling stupid, I was probably quite condescending, or patronising at times to my ex. I'm ashamed of it now, as I did it without realising. Maybe there's a sense of insecurity, or I'm just being an ass hole in feeling superior. I don't know, I mean I'm not even that smart but these are life lessons I suppose. I'll try to be more considerate. I mean if I were to make quick jabs/ quick corrections I'd try to make a joke out of it, or be more playful when saying it, and try not to embarrass them entirely. I have a friend that corrects people all the time and it gets to the point where we tire of it.

Courting back in the days may have been simpler, but now there's more equality. Females are not just trophy wives any more, they have careers and are just as smart. Males also need to be able to groom themselves, look after themselves, be able to cook for themselves. As much as I still like to spoil my girlfriends, I also expect them to be more humble about it, rather than expect to be treated. I'm still a little old fashioned, but I'd like to think I'm the best kind of old fashioned. :p Saying all this, having a sense of humour is still the top in terms of attractiveness for me.

Overall a good weekend from the usual of just staying in playing games and watching tv. Even though I still love those types of weekends.

Admitting Wrong

Time for a more solemn entry for the weekend.

Couples will fight no doubt about that, I've not come across any couple that has never had an arguement with each other, ever. Relationships can be a struggle sometimes, it's how you deal with disagreements, resolving them and moving on that's the challenge.

I for one am not the best person to be giving advice in resolving relationship issues, but having experienced it first hand from an argumentative ex. I've come to realise it's simply to be able to admit wrong that is the toughest test for anyone. Even myself, when I think I am right, I will fight my own corner. However I'd like to believe I can admit wrong, it just can still take time to get there. This is all well and good if the answer has a right and wrong outcome, it's the grey areas that are hard to resolve.

Especially in a relationship when feelings are taken into consideration. My ex would eventually fall on the why are you arguing with me are you trying to make me unhappy? For my ex, there was a sense of obligation that she felt she had from me. I was obliged to never shout at her, I was obliged to forgive her easily, I was obliged to never be mad at her. Yet she was obliged to do all those things to me. Equality in a relationship is important, and yet from me I didn't mind if I did more for her, just as long as she was happy, because that was all I cared about, that she was happy. She used this against me and it worked most of the time, as I would be upset at myself if I cause her to be sad, angry, or disappointment in me.

How do you combat that? It's a no win situation. When someone is competitive, argumentative, always wanting to be right. Are these healthy attributes? ....I can tell you it was a struggle.

She wanted me to literally do anything for her. She had insecurity problems that lies deep. A little spoilt maybe.... it didn't help that I spoilt her too. Yet no matter what I did it was never enough to prove that I loved her..... There were also trust issues. If there was anything I wouldn't do for her, she couldn't accept it. Where is the reason? Where is the equality? ....She drove me crazy.

Relationships are tough, and I believe people can overcome problems, but if someone is unable to compromise or be reasonable, how can they be together. I tried, and maybe it could have worked, if either of us changed. I could have given in all the time, and let her control my life, it would have made her happy, although it wouldn't have made me happy about myself, it would make me happy seeing her happy. You either accept and sacrifice certain criteria and work towards a reasonable solution for both parties to be happy or to end it. We ended it.

Is it just sticking to your principles? Is it being stubborn? Maybe it's selfish? Possibly all, regardless whether it's being right, you have most likely hurt each other at an emotional level and that really you are both right and wrong. The hardest part is admitting you are wrong. However, maybe it would be easier to think that there is a possibility that you are wrong, and that's the first step. And this goes to life in general and not just being in a relationship.

Religious beliefs, work processes, management, politcal systems. If people can stop believing in absolutes, and think in terms of possibilities, it could be a start in being able to get along with each other. Thinking the possibility that there is no god. Thinking that there is  possibility there is a God. Think in terms of their perspective, and the reasons behind it.

Yet, even by doing so, you can't count out generally bad people. Vindictiveness, selfishness, greed, jealousy are other aspects which can not be helped. Sad as it maybe, as long as there are humans and inequality, there will always be conflict. Even love can create bad emotions. For me there will always be a glimmer of hope in human compassion, as long as people are able to talk and understand one another and not just dismiss someones point of view.

Hmmm... I promise a more positive outlook in my next entry about my ex, because I don't want to provide a bad outlook on her. I will describe the fun and great times for being in a relationship, of which I still miss.

Zerg Rush!

A quick one today. Google has some crazy little easter eggs when you type certain words into their search engine.

'Do a Barrel Roll' try it and see...

And today they have a new one. Type in 'Zerg Rush' into google and see what happens. Given that I am a starcraft fan, this is amazing to me. Small little google 'o's come rushing in from all angles to destroy your search results, and you have to click on them to kill them before they destroy everything on screen.

I believe it's impossible to beat this, as you just get overwhelmed, I love that there is an APM counter in the corner to show how fast you are, much like how in starcraft in how they determine if you play fast or not.

Very similar feeling in an actual game of starcraft where you're just overwelmed with zerglings. Hence Zerg rush. As a Zerg player, this is obviously so awesome to me, even I sometimes zerg rush my opponents as a legitimate strategy, which does work on occasions.

Google has always been a fan of gaming, and eSports has definitely grown. If Google is helping promote starcraft in providing a fun little game, but also educational in familarising the world with a popular starcraft term, it can only be a good thing. Dispite your privacy disputes, I still love you Google! GG indeed!

Zombie Ants?!

Well work is very quiet, which explains why there are more entries in the blog than usual. I am actually a little bit concerned of my position at work, as most of the workI do has become less and less.

One of the main directors has left the company, due to the low share price the company has become and the cost and payments have been taken over by a subsidiary. Thankfully I'm in the head group company, but the chances that we relinquish the control could still be a possibility. Whether the business decision to continuouly try to attract investors will be tough one to make. Their first task I believe would be to attempt to increase the share price and attract potential investors, allowing the opportunity for growth. How they do that I do not know to be honest. I'm just the accountant. :p

Anyway today's topic for discussion is a parasite that has the strangest of life cycles. The Lancet Liver Fluke. It starts from reproducing in the liver of a cow, before injesting its offspring into the feces of the cow. Upon which are then eaten by snails. The larvae inside the snail will drill a wall in their gut and settle for a while in their digestive tract. The snail's immune system will form a cyst from where it has settle and the cyst is then excreted out, from which an ant will digest. Again the lave will exit via the gut of the Ant and will then take control of the Ant's nervus system.

Here comes the most interesting part, at night the parasite takes control of the Ant and climbs to the top of a blade of grass, and stays there all night for a cow to digest. If no Cow digests it, the Ant is given back control for it to carry out it's daily tasks. And it will continuouly climb the blade of grass night after night. Incredible!

Now if you think about it that's a Zombie Ant! A parasite taking control at night. The reason why it won't control the ant during the day, is because of the heat of the sun would kill the Ant including the parasite. That's what you call a survival mechanism, but it seems like a crazy life cycle to continuously perform to survive in this world. The cow could be replaced with Sheep, Pigs, Goats, it seems any animal that has a gut and would eat grass.

It's fascinating to me that there is a parasite capable of controling another creatures habits and movements, soley for it's own gain to be injested. I suppose if you prefer to feed off other animals food and nutrients a cow would be a great host, and you can live out your days just eating and reproducing. Not a bad life indeed, but it seems like a hell of a process for survival. I suppose the cow will eventually die, therefore it needs to find a way for future generations to survive, but to travel between 3 different host, to eventually make it's way back into another cow, is just incredible.

The notion that it instinctly knows what it needs to do to survive, or an evolutionary process is mind boggling. Whether this parasite is able to adapt in this world, or just that the right conditions are met. The Cow, Snail and Ant living in tandem to create the life cycle possible for this parasite to exist. It boggles the mind, to think the number of species, creatures that are out there, but can not survive because certain conditions are not met, or that they are unable to survive/evolve or even adapt to different environments.

Also the notion that zombification is possible via a parasite. Imagine the parasite that is able to transfer to different hosts via biting another. The infected hosts are rage inducing zombies much like 28 days later. It is contagious to a massive degree and that quarantine is needed for many countries from a world wide epidemic. I know people seem to love the idea of a zombie apocalyspe. It's such an impossible crazy idea that it's a fantasy people would like to experience, not going to lie I'm one of those people. The notion of back to basics survival is at it's very core, human instinct.

I think because I'm at a stage in my life, where I'm going through the same routines and it's become quite mundane. A zombie apocalypse is most welcome in my eyes. lol. I can reassure you that I am quite sane.

Mortgage Troubles!

Holy fucking shit balls! My bank has just sent a fax to my solicitor that my mortgage has been withdrawn! What the FUCK!?

Waiting to hear from my mortgage advisor to see what the hell has happened! I'm not happy. Blog is being updated to vent my frustration!

ARGHHH!

----------------
Update:


Resolved! Thank fuck!

The bank were trying to perform the necessary checks I suppose in confirming my payslips. The problem was they contacted the wrong company. The bank contacted one of our subsidiary companies, that the company I work for owns. So they obviously go back to the bank saying I don't work for them. The bank would then think my payslips are fraudulent, and subsequently withdraw my application!

Luckily the HR person contacted my HR manager to confirm, otherwise this would not have been resolved quickly.

A few things here:

1. Contact the right company to confirm payslips!
2. Shouldn't you perform these checks first before anything else? I mean they had to pay for their own survey on the house. If they did these checks first I'd think they'd save some money in realising frauds first!
3. Why not contact me or the mortgage advisor first before hitting that button to withdraw. A quick chat could have made things a hell of a lot easier.

(sigh)

No wonder banks are struggling at times, their staff are incompetant fuckwits!

Decision Making- Puke story

Well Starcraft 2 is still keeping me busy, and annoyingly I'm still wondering what could have been with my ex. I think I'm at a lull period in my life and I'm just expecting myself to get through the process of moving into my new place, and wanting a new start from there.

I've decided I'll start and concentrate on my studies then, but it can't come soon enough. I just want to be there now so I can concentrate on all of this and keep myself busy. I'm  relishing the responsibility of having a mortgage, bills to pay, furnishing, just owning a house, that I can call my own home. All these years I've been renting and paying into someone elses pocket. It's time to invest and pay something back to myself. I'm thankful that my parents are helping me out in the process. I suppose being the son of the family there is still that chinese tradition in having a strong male foundation.

The first place I saw, was great. It was my first experience in getting an offer accepted. To put things into perspective, I had failed my exams, and on the verge of a breakup with my now ex. I put all my hopes and dreams into this one property, as I negotiate well and got a great deal. I mean I felt so happy that I got all the furniture included. I thought maybe this is the point in where I can start again, but then suddenly it fell through and it really got to me. I had a sinking feeling, and was on the verge of tears. It was like nothing is going right in my life. I was left feeling empty and hopeless. Obviously I was really just dissappointemnt, but I got myself in gear again straight away, of which I'm very glad I did, otherwise I would not have found the current place now.

It's extremely silly to think that my world is turning to shit, when really it's still ok, when compared to many other people's lives. I'm actually being the unrealistic one here. I should be very grateful of my current situation. First world problem I guess... :).

Anyway from this ordeal in finding a property, I've realise I am capable in making a good decision. I know at times I can be indecisive, but I know there have been times in my life where I can make important split decision quite well. My crisis management is very good for some reason I don't know why. Story time:

One specific moment when, a bunch of my friends, were on a ways to a friends BBQ. Kev was driving, Andy in the front seat with Jess and I at the back. We had a night out before drinking cocktails as such but this being the next day most of us are feeling hungover, yet seemed ok. As we made our way not 15 minutes into the journey. Andy blurted out 'pull over I need to throw up'. Kev was like seriously? and couldn't pull over straight away, as it was a busy road and you cant just stop there but there was a turning coming up.

Now you know that feeling of when you're on the verge of gagging and the puke is on the edge of your throat, and at times you can control it and even save it by swallowing it back down. Horrible, but doable. Now there are times you think you can hold it back, but no matter what your body doesn't want it and it's coming out. Andy was obviously on the verge and unable to hold it back, so he did what most people do as a natural reaction, but also the worse thing possible thing and that's to cover your mouth as you throw up.

If you're a physics teacher this would be a prime example at it's finest of how build up in pressure works. I'm sure you've used a hose and placed your thumb over the nozzle but leave a small gap to create that spray of water to increase the distance. Well now imagine a mouth full of puke wanting to get out, with only your mouth and hand to stop it from going out. The mouth fails to keep it in, so now so it's your hands. I've never been able to pick up a perfect ball of water in my hands as the small gaps between your fingers always lets the water through, so you can guess what happens next.

All I can say to describe it, that it was like an explosion of utrid puke water, that smelled of horrid rotten banana soup. Luckily most of it went on himself, as I think at least he tried to contain it on his T-shirt, but it's the spray of back wash puke is what hits everything in it's path.

The car manages to come to a stop, and silence ensures. Andy breaks the silence by apologising continuously, whilst Jess is now in shock suddenly says. 'I can't stay here or I'm going to throw up too'. I took charge of the situation and I told her to get out of the car! We all got out, and I went to look at our current surroundings to see whether there were any shops close by.

Luckily there was a petrol station and I helped Andy walk over there and he went into the toilet to clean himself up and I believe destroy the toilet with more puke as he decribes later on. I purchased some kitchen towels and some air freshner. Made my way back and Kev did the process of cleaning up. I suppose it's not much of a story of crisis management but when no-one is on the verge of doing anything to sort it out, I just stepped up.

To finish the story off, we drove back home whilst he got himself cleaned up and got a change of clothes before we started the journey again. We even got there earlier than some other people.

Well change can help put things into perspective, create a new beginning. I've started and restarted this blog a number of times already, and it always mentions a new start. So it feels like I'm repeating myself given the limited amount of entries I have in this blog, but it's a much necessity on my part to keep my self in check.

Passion of eSports

I just want to talk about eSports. I love it. I would be doing a great injustice in just providing a brief description as to what eSports is. Just Essentially eSports is electronic sports, comprising of competitive play of video games. Now just by describing it like that it sounds silly and sad. There's definiting more to it than that. I mean is it as silly as scrabble, and chess tournaments. I mean chess is an olympic sport, so eSports can be considered a type of sport as well. I suppose you don't require to have that much physical exertion, but there is defintiely a mental capacity, test of dexterity and hand eye cordination. Regardless if you're just pressing buttons, it does require speed and reflexes in reading the game.

The video game population is obviously massive, but it's not all competitive gaming. Also you will have to seperate the community in terms of genre, such as fighting, first person shooters or real time strategy. Yet even though they're serperated by game genre they are collectly still together as part of the large community.

My first experience with competitive gaming is Streetfighter. And seeing crowds around arcades, having mini competition. I was only a small child, but I was just there watching. I love my streetfighter like any other gamer, it's great pick up and play as well in providing a lot of depth for the competitive scene. For me I only need to know a few special moves and a basic combo and you're well on your way to start competiting with the casual gamers too. Later on in the dawn of the internet watching some clips of some games of higher skill level and you can appreciate the skill involved. The Diago vs Justin Wong is the eptime of that the eSports environment is like.

Every tiny input is deliberate by the player, I mean when I play there's a bit of button mashing, or at times I end having to input the command moves to special moves a few times before it will take effect.. These guys can do it quickly and effectively. Regardless you normally have to play the games to appreciate what is going on. Fighting games are quite good in that you can see exactly what is going on at it's most basic level. Two characters on screen fighting each other to the death, with lots of flashy moves, simple for the casual viewer.

What I have gotten into, in the past year is a game called Starcraft 2. This is a real time strategy game, in the likes of Command & Conquer, Age of Empires etc. However the difference being that Starcraft 2, provides a very in depth game, that is also a great for specatators. The games can really vary, the worse type of game normally is when both players are slow to build and are not agressive until they reach a large army size, but even then it's a slow burn, because you know eventually they'll have to do battle, so it can be interesting to see how the battle that decides it turns out.

It's like real time chess, but you start off with a pawns, and you have to mine resources to pay for better units, and the board is large terrain, with high and low grounds, chokes points and open spaces.

Well saying all this MLG happened this weekend and a Korean Terran called MKP AKA Marine King Prime, beat a Zerg player DRG, Dong Rae Gue in the finals. It was a great series showing high skill of play. Even though MKP won quite convincly it was still amazing to watch. What increased my viewing experience, was watching it with my friends.

I had shown a lot of enthusiasm amongst my friends that it increased their curiousity, so now I somehow got them into it too. So on Saturday night we went round our mates house and watched a few games together. It was quite a laugh, then for championship Sunday, we watched the stream whilst on mumble chat. Then we actually played some SC2 inbetween games. It was a lot of fun.

Definitely getting back into the game again, after taking abit of time off from the game due to other commitments as well as GF at the time, studying, Skyrim and Mass Effect 3, of which I will talk about at some point. The pro gaming scene, really puts some inspiration into the playing the game again. A friend got the starter edition, which is free, but you're limited to playing Terran and only allow limited maps in multiplayer.  still it's great to have the option and we had a blast. Played quite a few 2v2 games we forgot about MLG was going on. He's now thinking of buying the full version.  hehe.

Having not played it in a while, it's pretty good feeling again. I still remember quite abit and was always staying active which was great. I remember the quick roach build, it's mainly used for rushes, but I use them to be safe. Although one game I decided to rush with them, and we pretty much won the game from there. My friends are not great, but it's a lot of fun and laughs.

I've been off racing as Terran, until my friends get a bit better, also I think it'll be good to get decent as Terran as they're strong in team games, at least I think so. The ability to be able to wall off and be strong in the early game is very important when I believe a lot of team games are rushed. However my friend seems to struggle with Protoss so I'm going to give Protoss a go to see where he's going wrong.

I also really enjoy watching the replays afterwards, seeing how the other people play decisions they make etc, it's very well implemented by Blizzard the game makers, all they have to do now is be able to sync replays so a party can view it at the same time. I will probably record a replay at some point with mini commentary. It would be to show the rest of my mates and see what they are missing out on, and who knows maybe I'll get them interested too.

Here we go again!

It's been awhile but I think it's time to hit my blog again. Mainly because I find it is very therapeutic to write about myself and just reflect. Also I have some time again now, that being I'm single again, and that work is a bit slow at the moment.
I can say that I've been very busy this past year and a half. So I think I'll slowly write and tell exactly what has happened in my life since then, as well as write about my current thoughts. I’m pretty much the happy go lucky type still, nothing that much has change, in fact, I feel like I’m back where I’ve started but with more experience and a more mature outlook in life. Yet I’m still immature when I can and want to be.

I’m not too sure where to start but maybe will talk a bit about everything for now and then go into more details later. For now I'll start with:

Girl troubles

It’s very hard to say, because I feel it’s like a very complicated issue in why we couldn’t work it out. I suppose I am still not sure exactly what went wrong with our relationship, but I can say that we tried. Even though in her eyes I probably didn’t try hard enough. I tend to agree with her to a degree, yet ultimately it felt that what I did was never truly enough to satisfy her needs, and she has many needs and deserves much better than I could give to her. She rode me hard (literally as well, ahem) which was unnecessary and arguably unreasonable. I was not able to reason with her and I feel that was the ultimate downfall. I was always the one to give in, but whenever I stood my ground we would have the worst possible fights. Should I have to be the one to be constantly be abused? Sigh, I‘ve not put her in a good light already, when in fact she can be the most lovely girl. She has problems and I can look past them, but she is not reasonable.

I suppose more later, details and more personal stories, hopefully a bit more positive.

More recently I went out on Friday night with a few friends because my mate just wanted to, and it was the first time I went out in quite a while for a proper drink session. Met a new girl and she seems quite nice, but I'm not interested. I swear players can easily pick up girls who are looking for a guy. I feel it can be quite easy sometimes, as all you have to do is show a lot of interest and treat them out and give them plenty of attention. Not saying all are like this, but there are plenty that are. I'm not the best looking guy, but when someone has a slight interest in you, you have to grab it by quickly or it'll slip away. I normally always let them slip away. The girl has to impress me as much as I have to impress her.

Of course she could just be very friendly and I’m being deluded, as per my blog, hehe. My friend says it’s all a numbers game, he’ll just print off a ton of business cards and just hand them out to random girls he sees on the street. Which is hilarious, I don't think he'll go through with it but I'd be interested in the results, purely for science. ;) 

First world problems at its finest. In this day and age living in a fast moving city in the age of the internet, it can be a strange time to try and find love. Internet dating seems to be the current trend, but I don't quite like the forced environment, I feel like nothing quite beats actually hooking up with people randomly. The trouble is meeting those specifics to create a random environment for a particular outcome to happen. No matter what, it’s really down to you controlling what you do, if you don’t get yourself out there, then you will not get anything. Go out there and make a fool of yourself in a bar/club, go to many social gatherings, join clubs, etc. It’s down to having fun though, regardless if it’s outside your comfort zone. I hear and see people moaning about being single, but normally it is themselves to blame. Make your own luck.

I’ve liken to a website called Reddit, which I will probably dedicate a blog entry all on its own. In particularly I’d like to point out a sub group, solely for sharing experiences in the art of seduction, or at least tips and experiences in trying to get with the other sex. They refer themselves as Seddit. It’s enlightening and very interesting.  It’s like they have create a new language for themselves when talking about how to woo the other side. The game is always being played, and it’s quite fascinating. Even if it's a bit crude and they're solely in it to get as many as they can. They do tell much truth.

In any case my point of view at the moment, is that I’m not going to make effort for now, I’m quite content with where I am with my life right now, amongst other things to sort out. Women can come later, or it can hit me in the face or not regardless how much older I'll be getting. Love as they say can come at any age.